One Year On

4 09 2010

Yesterday (3rd Sept) was the dubious one year anniversary of the time I ended up in hospital.

I suppose anniversaries like this are there to remind you where you’ve come from, a sort of milestone in life to be a true gauge of distance travelled. So how far have I come?

Yanno, it’s quite hard to be objective about it because events like that, the events which led up to it, and the events which followed have a distorted place in my mind. Sort of like a fishbowl full of events directly in my eyesight, taking up seemingly too much space for what it really is.

If you’re thinking that I’m being a little… flowery in my language then… well… yeah, but then it’s important to me to convey the real impact of the events. They were like a meteor impact in my life, one of those big ones that destroys all life as you know it, sorta like the mental equivalent of what happened to the dinosaurs, only the small things surviving.

Melodramatic? Probably. Accurate? Very.

So away from the events themselves, how far have I come? Nowhere near as far as I would like. It’s fair to say that I’ve not been suicidal for a while now but the problem is that before it was a dead issue (no pun intended), it was something that I would never do. Unfortunately once you have done something, it makes it easier the next time. I guess that scares me more now than before, that I might have the capacity to do what I never thought I would.

What now? I honestly don’t know, there’s still a lot of tidying up to do of the mess that is my life, just to try and tie off a few things so that I can, at least in myself, move on.

Move on… easily said, so so hard to do. We shall see.

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