Are You There?

15 12 2010

I’ve always been very sure of what reality is as I’ve never heard voices and the only things I see are glimpses out of the corner of my eye. So, the whole thing is that the psychosis part of manic depression isn’t so strong with me (I know people with far worse than me)… at least that’s what I thought.

I know I have psychosis as I tend to get olfactory versions, usually either gas or a very nasty chemical smell which feels like the hair is getting singed. These things don’t exist, I know they don’t, it’s just a distraction. I know that I catch things out of the corner of my eye, again a distraction but you kind of get the idea. Have I ever seen things? Yes, dogs running at me is a common theme, aggressive dogs although thanks to being brought up with dogs that’s never been scary.

The thing that gets me, and I’m not exactly sure where this comes from or where it fits in is that I tend to confuse things, yet I’ll be completely convinced of what it is. For example, I had a meeting recently, I knew what day it was, plans were made, a problem arose, the meeting got moved which was fine so I planned something else for the day. Wrong day though, completely wrong day, but I was convinced I had the right day. This isn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened and I don’t know why it does. Maybe it’s just something that’s part of life.

Another possible part of psychosis (bear in mind that this is not something I know a lot about) are the thoughts that I have, which can be extremely… persuasive. Not sure if it’s becaus I’m a man but sex can be quite the subject. I swear I have an imagination a porn producer would be proud of. There are other things, and it’s easy to see how manic depression can be seen to be a creative thing as with the kind of random thoughts being so pervasive it can lead to output which is of a good quality.

Who knows, maybe I’m talking about things unrelated to psychosis, did say I don’t know much about it. Certainly something to think about.

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