Who Am I?

31 12 2010

I had some good news yesterday, at least I believe it to be good news. At work there is a psychologist and she has turned around and offered to help me, completely off her own back, not connected to work at all. We ended up having a long chat, well over an hour I think, and I told her about me and she chatted and explained her preferred methods etc.

Ok, so her preferred method is by using evidence based work to challenge thought processes, although there are other methods. She has asked me to start looking at various things I believe about myself, look at what thoughts back that up, and then look for evidence to support that. Now this has thrown up a bit of a quandry that I wasn’t really expecting and as such has thrown a tiny spanner in the works.

It’s been explained to me that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is about covering up the self in order to be someone else, a much simpler way of putting it, not entirely accurate but that’s not the point. What this means is that I’m not entirely sure who I am. I’ve never been terribly sure what an identity crisis is but I’m pretty sure that I’m in the midst of one. There’s only one thing about myself, apart from the obvious physical description part is that I’m intelligent, a nice thing to have but it kinda leaves fairly huge gaping holes in what is… well.. me.

Suits it being called a crisis because that’s how it’s feels.

Anyway, things may not be as bad as they seem because this may be down to my inabiliy to connect emotions to thoughts. Sounds a simple exercise but I really struggle, I don’t know why but I do. It may be the internal conflict over this which is making me lose what focus I have on my ‘self’ as it were.

I dunno, just at the moment I feel incredibly lost and I’m not sure I could find myself. This sucks! Not particularly insightful but apt

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