Lost In Space

18 01 2011

I’ve been a little quiet recently. Partly because I’ve been a little lost in myself, partly because I’ve been away on holiday and just… I dunno, trying to have a break from all the crap that’s going on in my head.

Did I find myself? Temporarily yes. I found my taste for alcohol had returned, not to self destructive levels but I enjoyed the odd pint etc. I found that I kinda enjoyed myself despite my depression. Of course having said that the whole thing was temporary you’ll be expecting the doom and gloom, so without further ado…

When things get too much my mind shuts down certain processes, either because they cause too much emotionalstress or because my mind has reduced conscious functionality. To sum up this means that I’ve been non verbal (not speaking a word) for the past four days. Fortunately the twitching that I get subsuded after a few hours, it can be quite tiring more than anything. By twitching I mean that my head will randomly shake or nod repeatedly, it can switch to any of my limbs.

Now I’m home and… I dunno, I just want to get the hell out of my life. My paranoia may have switched to full on psychosis as I’m still fairly sure that my life is being interfered with and monitored. Do I know why? No, I have postulated that it’s either for someones entertainment or as an experiment, sort of like The Truman Show but at the point where he’s sort of aware of it, stretched out for a while.

Should I go back onto meds? The usual idea is that I would but, to be honest, I don’t want to. It may seem odd but I’ve been through the bad times before and they aren’t, at least for me, the worst times. I guess it’s a matter of not liking the out of control, obnoxious me from when I’m on a high.

So, no meds, no end to the depression in sight… this should be fun. Ah well, I guess one thing I’ll end up doing is running all the possible scenarios through my head and see what really happens. One thing is for certain and that is there’s going to be some change within my life soon, possibly quite huge, not necessarily for the better or for the worse for that matter. Guess I better get some things rolling so that I can at least look to proceed, although to be fair I’m still looking to pack up and leave full stop… anyone got a room I could crash in?

Do people actually have a point in mind when writing blog posts as I’m not entirely sure where this one has gone. Think it’s fair to say;

  • Still feel like shit
  • Wanna run away from everything
  • Think my life is being messed with on purpose
  • Feeling a fair bit lost

Ah well, there is more but I’m rambling now and considering this blog was an established as an arena for my thoughts on bipolar I’m doing a damn shit job of it. Maybe time to start aking this a bit more seriously.

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2 responses

20 01 2011
thistlesandweeds

I can relate… in so many ways.
*sigh*

I hope you find some peace. In some way. At least for a moment. ❤

22 01 2011
nullfuture

Thankyou, it’s much appreciated, and I hope it finds you too 🙂

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