Hindsight

31 01 2011

Today is the last day of the month, the last day of the first month of what used to be thought of as the last year of my life. Used to be… not sure if it still isn’t if I’m honest. My thoughts of dying before my 35th birthday (a few months away) are not strong, but they are there, it’s sort of a residual feeling as I feel like I really don’t want to be here.

Now THAT feeling is old school stuff and will probably be with me throughout my lows for the rest of my life, it just happens to also be something that stays with me throughout my stable periods as well.

Ok, straying from the plot a little there, so let’s get on with this.

The month has about passed and I look back and wonder what has been learned. I smile at the memory of telling my girlfriend (yes, a real one, yes I know it’s a surprise), after receiving some bad news for me, that ‘At what point did you think life was going to get fair?’. The smile fades as the memory of things that have passed haunt me once again. Uurgh, hindsight can be a bitch… repeatedly.

With regards to my blog and the various things that have passed? It’s been a popular month here, not entirely sure why but people have started reading this a bit more than they used to. Of course this will probably pass as the blogosphere is such a transient thing, readers proving to be quite fickle… or forgetful… or something better comes along that grabs and grasps their attention away from what was. So if you’ve stuck with reading this more than once then thank you, hope I can keep it as interesting.

And the future? After subtley skipping the past I think that my energies are probably going to be geared towards change. Some has already happened, some has been building up in its urgency. And of course I’ll keep speculating on the future, as uncertain as it is, and what could make it better (yet doing little about it).

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3 responses

31 01 2011
Rachael Black

Ooooh how I relate to this one. Shockingly I have a (real) boyfriend as well. Luckily when I mention the worthlessness of life, thinking of suicide, and my wash of self-pity he’s busy playing X-Box and just gives a random kiss. If he hears me.
Some days that’s as good as it gets. Yesterday was one of them.

You’ll love this: About 19 years ago I had a crappy shrink that told me -true story- that I ‘could never expect to be happy.’
Oddly enough that was the last appointment with that cretin.

Change is hard. I hate it. Writing helps. The hits (on your blog) just keep on coming. For some reason I had 896 hits on April 4th of last year.
Understand that I had utterly ignored YoYo-dyne for almost 2 years.
Am still trying to figure this one out. Didn’t post anything that month.
Maybe I was tagged on FARK.com with a Dumbass tag -grin-.

31 01 2011
Rachael Black

Oh by the way I turn 50 this year. Ask me why I’m looking for the Logan’s Run way out -grin-. Movie may be before your time but hell. Have a feeling you’ll get it.

2 02 2011
nullfuture

I wonder, did the doc explain what he meant by the statement ‘could never expect to be happy’? Did he mean you will never be happy or that you shouldn’t be expecting happiness? If the first then oh my word, such a dumb thing to say to someone. The second? An enlightened piece of knowledge really, no-one should expect to be happy, just accept it when it happens,. Expectation always builds something up to be more than it is so you end up cursing things rather than enjoying what is.

As for Logans Run, I have seen it (nowhere near as odd as Caligula) and… yeah, although I think 30 is a little early, but then we always find reasons why it should be later rather than sooner (btw watch out for the abysmal remake coming to a screen near you in 2012)

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