F&+k It… And The One Next To It

12 02 2011

Well hello again oh denizens of the world wide web, and how fairs your day today? Keeping well are you? Of course I can’t really know what your answer will be but it seemed like a good way to introduce things.

So yes, it’s officially blog day again, the one yesterday doesn’t count as such. And what delightful tidbit do I have for you today? Well, to begin with, by my watch it’s currently 3.23am (this will change), I’m sat outside a train station waiting for a train that arrives in about… 1hr 45mins, it’s raining, I’ve been on a night out, and I’m doing this blog on my phone (yay for web OS!) which is why it’s not in the Arial font (can’t be arsed to code it up).

I am in mildly philosophical mood, I seem to have handled my alcohol intake alright, spacing drinks out and not having many anyway. So, don’t think it’s the drink that makes me say that I’m a complete arsehole. For those of you just tuning in I have a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 alongside Narcissistic Personality Disorder. To be honest it’s not the bipolar in itself which is relevant here, more the NPD.

Anyway, I did upset someone yesterday, a little discussion ensued by the crux of the whole thing is that whilst they were extremely upset, I felt nothing, or at least if I felt anything it was irritation. This isn’t nice, logically I want to give a fuck, it’s a situation where I should… but I didn’t. I don’t understand this sometimes, I know how I should act and then… well… I don’t.

This isn’t a thread I feel I can bring to any conclusion so I’ll switch to something else.

For those who again have yet to feel the full force of this blog (don’t bother searching, I’ll bring you up to speed) I have, for a long time, foretold my passing to be before my 35th birthday. Ok, morbid but then not everything is rainbows n unicorns here.

Anyway, the thing is, and I’ve held off on saying this for a few days, but I don’t have that feeling anymore. Sounds good huh, but for me it brings a feeling of depression because I’ve lived this long, I’m not a fan of seeing it continue. There’s definitely a sense of trepidation about the future from my birthday onwards. I’m really not happy about this.

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