Denial of Acceptance

3 03 2011

Welcome once more to the ramblings I post here, and how are you dear reader? Faring well? The day been managable if nothing else? Well, not that it’ll matter much but I hope it went well for you, that the god outweighed the day. I refrain from saying there was no bad because if there was then most people would get suspicious of the day, a little bad it always a grounding thing.

Ok, now the pleasantries are out of the way, please be aware that this isn’t a happy-go-lucky post so if you don’t want to read a non-happy-go-lucky post then you best go back to whatever it was you were doing before this page graced your screen.</span

So, my day went alright today, spent most of it with a good friend just out shopping etc. Underneath the surface things were… not so good. It would be fair to say that my self loathing went through the roof, suicide ideation became (and still remains) quite intrusive, and I hate a particular part of my psyche with a vengeance. Which part? The part that keep obsessing over the idealised dream of what my life should be like.

Why can’t I accept that there’s no lottery win on it’s way, that I’m in no way successful (or ever will be), that my longed for relationship is not going to fucking happen?

Part of the reason for the establishment of this site was because I wanted to do something good with this life that I’ve wasted so far before my death before the age of 35 was reached. A month or so ago I came to the realisation that I will most likely live way past my 35th birthday, couldn’t explain why but I knew I wasn’t looking forward to it. The reason is simple now that I think about it, I won’t be a father (I don’t know if I am at the moment anyway but then hey, joys of a promiscuous lifestyle). I will be single, if I do get into a relationship I’ll fuck it up somehow and prove that they could do better than me without breaking a sweat. I won’t be financially comfortable, by which I mean that if by some miracle I do get a family started then I can afford to provide for them in the manner I see fit, nothing extravagant, just a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, and the occasional treat just to add a little sugar to life. All my ideas and my plannings will come to nothing. Despite my best efforts to look after them, my friends will realise that I’m an insufferable asshole rather than the asshole they believe me to be.

How am I doing? sounding like fun so far? Well, the killer is that I will continue to be this way because lets face it, you can’t teach old dogs new tricks and, in reality, there’s not many trainers in the first place. And it will last for many years to come unless I grow a proper pair and finally hang myself without screwing it up. I would accept someone putting a gun to my head, I would actually be happy to tell them to pull the trigger, if I can’t grow a pair then at least I can kick smeone hard enough in theirs to make it happen.

I’m well aware my readership is minute and the chances of someone saying ‘Don’t do it, you’re worth it!’ are slim, but in the eventuality does occur… if you know me then I dare you to point out the flaw in my thinking, if you don’t know me then I wonder if you’re best placed to make any judgement. Either way, this is me running thoughts out of my head and onto the page as it were, so feel free to ignore and dismiss it all. Will it stop happening? Nope, but then it doesn’t matter.

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2 responses

4 03 2011
Rachael Black

one day at a time is trite so try one minute at a time. and really, some days just making it through are as good as it gets,
So don’t put a gun to your head. although I love to go shooting I will not have a firearm in the house… becasue I’m afraid some day I’ll use it on myself.

Of course I do have enough pharmaceuticals stored to kill a small village. luckily I’m suicidal and not homicidal -grin-.

Look you accomplished something today: You posted your blog! More than I got done honey.
Take care of yourself. do something for someone else just to get out of your head for a while.
Call your local suicide hotline.
Eat an entire pint of ice cream.

Hell, I’m glad you’re here.

4 03 2011
nullfuture

Thanks Miss R. Sleep tends to be the best thing for me to settle down, I don’t get to think so things tend to smooth out, always has been that way. I guess I’m like a grumpy baby at times, just need a nap.

As for weaponary, it’s hard to get guns here in the UK which is a bonus but yeah, seeing as I have NPD, I’m about as likely to go postal as shoot myself… not that much of either because I don’t have the cajones to shoot myself and I was raised the right way so postal type sprees are unlikely. Dammit.

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