Ranting Time

3 04 2011

Ok, you have been pre-warned by the title and… well… this warning. I’m just going to have a little self pitying rant as I feel the need to get some stuff out of my head and this is normally how I do it.

So, feel free to pass this one by, although the morbid curiosity will inevitably strike one or two of you so…

I really do wish my life would end. I’m not suicidal, I’m just fed up with all the horse shit around which makes existing that bit sweeter. Sweeter? I can’t be bothered with sarcasm at this juncture so I’ll just come out with it. That makes existing so fucking hard to tolerate.

I know why I think the way I do, I know what those thoughts bring, I don’t know how to stop them and whilst sometimes I’m comfortable enough for this situation to continue, there are times when I wish I didn’t feel. Full stop.

Maybe that’s where all the psychopathy stuff originates from. What would it be like if I didn’t feel? Probably like in Equilibrium rather than in American Psycho (two Christian Bale films in one sentence? Go figure).

Fuck it, I want to self destruct. I want to physically damage myself. I want to wreak havoc. I want to do some proper fucked up shit. I want to get lost in the glorious enjoyment of the inherently dark side of my ego in order to blot out the other facets. To live for the cheap thrill, the easy win, rather than push for the hard fought victory. I’ve lost the war, it’d just be nice to win a few battles before I finally find my place in the 1940’s bunker scene.

I’ve had enough but I don’t know how to give up.

And it hurts.

So

damn

much.

Why can’t I just give up for fucks sake

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2 responses

4 04 2011
lotte

Why can’t I just give up for fucks sake?

Exactly the same reason I cant………..I have not got a FUCKING clue…..maybe its that part of us that wants to suffer…so we keep on tormenting ourselves becasue we want to feel like this. Do we want to feel like this….I have not the foggiest…so really my reply is quite pointless…..because I have not helped one bit.

BUT if you do come across the answer please share
x x x

5 04 2011
nullfuture

I’ve had enough of suffering, I don’t like feeling that way. I like the build up to where things go bad, but not bad feelings. I always think that it’s feeing good then crashing whe something goes wrong. I dunno, guess I… I dunno

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