I Dunno What I’m Doing

13 04 2011

Well that was an advernturous last post, time for something a little more I think, just to keep the ball rolling as it were.

I’m still on the cider, not drank much but I’m a lightweight as is and the idea is not to get completely rat-arsed, more to keep a cap on my mood as I know it was going places I wasn’t sure I wanted to go.

So where do things stand now? Well… I dunno, I really don’t, it feels like life is about to explode all around me. Like a relay runner who’s reaching to pass the baton and then.. just… misses, stumbles, and falls. It’s all getting overwhelming, getting away from me.

I guess I could talk about why the hell I’m doing this, why I’m documenting what isn’t exactly a stable period for me. The cynical part of me thinks that it could be about getting sympathy dear reader. However, this is dismissed as I don’t know if there’s anything to sympathise with, this is just what is and, for whatever reason I’ve decided to use this outlet to document where I am. Perhaps it’ll be useful later on when I look at what’s the deal with mood swings.

Ok, if it’s about moods, I know that my ups are followed by my downs. I dont know this has always been the case as my highs have never been an issue as such, at least not as much as my downs. So, to understand the beast I need to understand both sides and then look into what else I know.

I’m pretty damn sure that my issue is with dopamine. I’ve always been better when I’m thrill seeking, more focused, kinda why I love driving fast, because it was about pushing limits etc. Ok, so it wasn’t safe etc, I don’t care what your thoughts on cars are (eco people may be against the car but the car is equivalent to a horse on a social level, and as for pollution, think you’ll find that cars produce a surprisingly small amount considering how much money is being invested to make them cleaner). Sex is also something I seek and enjoy, perhaps disproportionately, perhaps this is why sex in the morning is always preferred (although any time is a good time… unless on the toilet, then it’s just weird but hey, each to their own). I also get muscle twitches. Point? There is a case for linking dopamine to the twitches people get randomly.

Ok, knowledge attained and explained… does me no good though as I run out of steam and… yeah. Kinda got no choice but to leave it there. Ta ta all.

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