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15 04 2011

My hasn’t is been a day for those with mental health diagnosis, especially as we formally welcomed another celeb into our ranks. Ah well, this isn’t a fluffy bunny post and no my mind isn’t being happy about things. Perhaps you should stay in the light as this is probably going to get dark

I wish my world would detonate. I hope for a gas explosion (bit stupid as everything in this place runs on electric). I hope for the infintesimal possibility of the space/time continuum finally getting the idea that I wasn’t meant to be here and it swallows me through a rift.

I’m not saying my life is terrible, there are those worse off than me. Poverty, illness, death, it affects so many but not me. But I find myself in the position where friends and family have got to the point where they believe that if I hurt as much as I do then maybe it’s the best thing for me if I were dead. This isn’t a cruel way to look at things, it’s humane. They won’t help me do kill myself and they don’t want me to do it either, but they understand the imperative.

Religion, at least of the christian kind, expresses the following;

God loves you

Well the bastard has a damn funny way of showing it that’s for sure. If he/she/it were to exist and love me, he/she/it would give me the courage to follow through on my desires.

Yes I’m a coward and worse than that, there are people I care about that I can’t imagine out of my life.

So conflicted.

I’m not looking for answers here because there aren’t any. I want so badly to hang myself, or gas myself, to be wrapped in C4 and the button pushed. But I have no courage, no car, and no explosives.

Dammit, I’m just a waste of space.

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3 responses

15 04 2011
Rachael Black

First, I can only repeat to you what I’ve tried to imply before.
TRY SOME FUCKING MEDS. It’s becoming like that old joke:
patient: ‘it hurts when i do that.”
doctor: ‘Well then don’t do that!’

Your refusal to take or even TRY mediacation keeps you from seeing any light. Hell, the meds available for bi-polar and clinically depressed people have come so far in the last 2 yearsalone, that it’s a scientific miracle.

1. NO one in their right mind (or in our cases ‘un-right’ minds heh) WANTS to take the fuckers. You think I do? Do you really think that anyone wants to? It’s a pain in the ass for one thing.For the other (and I think this may be your case) it meas that you really DO have a medical problem.
A problem that that for the first time in our lives, cannot be overcome with sheer willpower

Hell, when medications were first prescribed for me (23 years ago, more than a decade before the ‘prescribing INSTEAD of therapy’ began OR the case now where mental illness drugs are prescribed by general practitioners. Or a veterinarian -grin-) Prozac still h/adn’t been approved for use yet by the FDA (Food and Drug Administration.)

2. God does not love you</u. Ditch religion -not spirituality if you can find it- but religion.
Doing so helps free you from guilt/fear negative and/or ridiculous thoughts such as: god might be able to save me, maybe I should pray, god would never give me more than I can carry, I am being tested, medications or recovery aren't mentioned in the bible. Actually seems a lot of healing, unguents (medicines with a lard or wax base) and confession (therapy) was going on to me. If you were lucky and suffered from a mental illness your religious family members would have you declared unfit, you'd be tortured,your money and lands stripped and divided between your family and the churchd and executed. Or, the church accused of being a witch. then you were usually tortured and executed. On REALLY lucky occassions the mentally ill were dekard ti br possessed by a demon. The church would then perform an exorcism, normally ending in your death and THEN confiscate your lands and money.
So ditch your idea and mentioning of church.
Change becomes much more effective when our mental blocks were are torn down.
3. Get new friends and/or get the fuck away from them and your family. You said you are not eligible for therapy without the bi-polar. Swallow pride with the pills.
Without a starting point -and I told you there are many new serotonin meds and other chemical concoctions- you’ll never have the courage to listen to other voices. You’ll cling to the ones that encourage you to hurt yourself.Not hurt yourself.

Null, you’re obviouly going through a VERY VERY nad depressive cycle.
I sm only tying to give you some suggestions that wroked for me.
Although luckily I’m already an athrist.

And here’s something to convince you to save money for junk food and not C4 (although that line did crack me up because I’ve been there):
YOU made me think today. While writing a response to your post it occurred to me that it was getting way too long winded. In fact… It could be the basis for a new blog of my own and now a lot of it is written.
YOU inspired me to write. YOU helped someone else.

Now, get down off the damned cross (it’s cold and we need the wood) and either check yourself into a hospital (in the US if you tell a policeman you’re suicidal, or, call 91 and say the same thing they thoughtfully come to your home and convey your ass off. You never know, some of those loony bins DO have a few decent docs and aren’t just holding tanks.

If you’re not willing to that (which I think is the best choice you can make right now -like RIGHT NOW. Pick up the 500 pound phone and call 911 or the British equivalent).. -Or call NHS or a suicide prevention line.

You HAVE to do something. And offing yourself means you’ll never get to have a cocktail at the beach again 😉

Good luck my friend.

15 04 2011
lotte

oh Mr I hope you are ok……Im with you to be honest re the Hanging etc….Im at the bottom and Im tired of it….BUT i dont wish this on you…be safe and be careful please!

x x x x

16 04 2011
Rachael Black

Agree with lotte too -smile-
You be careful honey. I know I was pretty harsh with my last comment but my biggest wish is for you to be safe and try to find those fleeting moments of laughter when the are in the air -or on a written page.

Love and Lithium,
~R

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