Comorbid Curiosity

5 05 2011

It’s been a little while since I posted but things have been a touch hectic in preparation for travelling (2 more sleeps to go). Anyway, my curiosity about my diagnoses and how they interact for better or for worse.As ever, whenever I have thoughts like this there is a prompt, namely this post by Lotte, which made me think about why I find highs harder to deal with than lows.

Right so I have Bipolar 2 and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, nothing too wild but hey ho. Now yeah I get good highs, never done drugs really but I’m guessing I’ve experienced similar stuff to those on the better quality stuff. The lows are, without a doubt, crushing and completely debilitating. If you have bipolar then I’m telling you nothing new but then you never know when someone who doesn’t is looking. Anyway, so there’s no surprises here yet, I do get suicide ideation most of the time tho, the intensity of which varies with where my mood goes.

It’s a popular thought that people with Bipolar love the highs and hate the lows. Understandable, who doesn’t want to feel awesome? However, I don’t feel the same way. Don’t get me wrong, the highs feel gooooooood n the lows really are soul destroying, but I can handle my lows quite well yet struggle to accept how I am when high.

My thinking is that this turnaround from the norm may have a couple of factors involved, one of which, to a lesser extent, is the age at which I became aware of my Bipolar. As we’re talking about 20 years of knowing, coping strategies are inevitable. It’s possible that I learned to deal with depression better because it hit me harder and more noticably than the hypomania. All subjective reasoning anyway.

The biggest thing to influence me may be the NPD. I don’t like me when I’m high, I’m a right gimp, at least in my mind. Perhaps it’s this which influences me the most. I’m not particularly fond of myself when drunk either which, at least to me, says that it’s about how I’m seen by others… or at least how I think people view me.

To be honest this is the only way I can see it so feel free to jump in and tell it your way. Was tempting to go Sinatra on it there. Not sure if this makes me odd or not (not the Sinatra reference) but it’s just the way I am. Oh, and as a parting shot on the NPD, it’s quite likely spawned in my younger years as my family didn’t like me. A psychologist said I had no proof of this so I asked them and they confirmed what I thought, they didn’t like me when I was younger. No surprise I have a personality disorder really.




One response

8 05 2011
Rachael Black

Love the title of your post heh.

Most of my disease is the lows, haven’t had a full on ‘stay up for a week and re-paint the house’ episode in almost 20 years.
I have swings from suicidal, to maintaining (can last for up to 7-10 days), to mixed state (dysphiric) espisodes.The last the longest.

What I love about reading your posts is your desire to do something new AND DO IT!
You wrote aabout going on a trip -nowhere in particular in mind- and ou’re doing it. This just blows me away.
You are self-aware of your disease, your triggers and the (mostly) unknown outcomes.
You’re taking the trip anyway. Leaving the comfort zone.

If that’s not progress in dealing with being bi-polar than truly nothing else is.
Bravo my friend!!!

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