Driving Miss Daily

10 05 2011

My whole trip thing was probably my way of embarking on a voyage of self rediscovery. Like the old days of sailing, there was always going to be good days with a fair wind to propel me along, time spent within the doldrums, and the occasional storm.The relevance of this? Well, me being me, I get to see many things, such as a Kawazaki Ninja ZX-6R being sold at the french equivalent of a car boot sale (it’s much bigger and is held on the streets of a village, well worth a look if you can).

I’ve always wanted a bike n regret never converting my provisional license into a full one. Course this beckons forth the demon from the deep which shall be known as ‘You don’t have a license full stop’ and the sailboat of my conciousness is beleagured by this beast, meaning I’m not, for want of a better phrase, a ‘fluffy bunny’.

Now, I know that some background is needed here but even though the events were 18 months ago, it’s still harsh on me. Suffice to say it’s a bad idea to run from the police (it’s an even worse idea to do it in your own car) no matter how fecked up the meds make you and how dumb the staff on a ward were to let a completely unhinged person off the ward. The upshot of this, along with the ineptness of a legal team, is that I am serving a 2 year ban (and you thought YOU had it bad). Not the end of the world you say but it was enough an end of my world for me to try suicide sans meds infleunce a couple of times around the court case.

Being a bit in the wilds (the nearest town is 5km away) and also seeing vehicles for sale knowing that I have the funds in a bank account, plus that the invalid license I’m holding (it was away for address change at the time of going to court) means I could, in theory, drive in a foreign country. Is it legal? Not in the slightest, I shouldn’t have my license on me but I was never told what to do with it and I figured it’d be alright as ID in itself as long as I didn’t try to use it for driving.

Yeah, I know I’m justifying it for my own ends but fuck it.

Even though I’ve sold the vast majority of my car stuff, I’ve still got the passion for it, and it still hurts to think about not being allowed to do what I love despite being quite good at it and it not being illegal as such. Yeah I was fast, yeah the speed limit to me is an advisory rather than a mandatory, but then I have had zero accidents, and I was smart enough to know what speed was appropriate not what the limit was (20 in a 30 zone because too many cars parked alongside and family housing all about).

For the cynics, just accept that I’m that good because luck an only get you so far, I know because I’ve been extremely lucky at times.

I’ll be damned if I know where this is going but never mind.

I guess the voyage of rediscovery has told me some important things. Firstly, that driving is core to my personality and not being able to do it still hurts. Secondly, that whilst I no longer wish to die before I’m 35, I don’t give that much of a shit if I do. Thirdly, that I have been shaken to my core once too often and so it’s a matter of me trying to regain some of what I was, although it’s not quite working… yet. Is there a fourthly? No, don’t think so.

Well kiddies, guess I better leave it there then. Putain, mon vie est plus mysteriuere a moi (I know I haven’t spelt that right).



6 responses

10 05 2011

Oh and I did indeed think I had it bad…..

I can really understand the drive to be a driver, it was such a huge part of my identity (sad though that seems written down?) I can aslo sympathise with the frustration at the system- any system that arbitarily applies it’s seemingly flexible rules so harshly to some individuals.

The fourthly- there is one. Today you are still here, yes you are not a “fluffly bunny” but you don’t need to be, your mere existance is an achievment.

I’m cheerleading now, because I’m not you, I’m not feeling your pain and I care about you. You’re only a couple of days in to the voyage of rediscovery, give it time.


10 05 2011

I had to get my licence renewed last year at the usual ten year mark. After consultation on Twitter, that bastion of driving specialism, I ‘forgot’ to tell the DVA that I’m mental.

I love my car with a passion almost unparralled and I love driving. Perhaps oddly, it’s one of the very few things I still genuinely enjoy, and to that end in some ways it grounds a modicum of sanity in me.

So, in short – I am not at all surprised at how you reacted to losing your licence. I do see why, from ‘their’ perspective, but it sucks nonetheless. So I agree with Zoe; still being here in the wake of something so strongly triggering is definitely an achievement 🙂

Take care, Null

Pan x

10 05 2011

to start off with I was thinking “well, just hang out there- a 2 year ban isn’t that bad”. But then I forget I live in london where driving is so optional there was a period there where I’d forgotten how to. But that it’s ‘core’ to having a sense of yourself as an autonomous person (which is a live issue for me today). And I really feel for you.

umm, not sure if this can help, but I did the Camino de Santiago (twice) last year, which is basically putting all you need into a pack, and walking a few hundred kilometres to Santiago de Compostella in Northern Spain. Doing this journey, you realise lots of things, but the thing I’m thinking of here is having a sense of being able to make a way on your *own* path (even with loads of other people doing a route which is hundreds of years old). It’s difficult to say in words how profound this revelation is, but I can see a lot of parallels between the camino and your own travels. I really hope that you can come to this place, knowing you do have your mobility and direction int the world even without wheels. And even if it doesn’t, every day spent travelling is another day closer to you getting your license back! 😛

10 05 2011

So Zoe, does this mean we get to see you in a cheerleaders outfit? 😉

As for being here after all I’ve been through… honestly I try not to think about it because, when all is said and done, I… I dunno, I just find it hard to deal with. I’m not happy about being here but I will deal with it.

Joining the pilgramage… interesting choice as there’s benefits to doing it, just never keen on the religious side. Will certainly be looking into it a bit more to see what’s what.

10 05 2011

yes you are still here,and i for one am glad! The driving thing-your right 2 years fucking sucks,i understand why but still. The speed is definately something i miss,the wind thru the car etc. But you will get that licence back eventually. As for rediscovery-maybe its not all its cracked up to be,maybe you need to understand who you are now not the future or the past (hope im not talking shit) oh and apologies for my bad language-tas become 2nd nature x

26 07 2011
Driving Miss Crazy « theurbanworrier

[…] had a little dig.  Ah.  I am not a happy bunny.  I expect a number of us (including Pandora and Null, who have blogged on a number of occasions about the joys, nay, need, of driving that they have) […]

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