Future Consideration

11 05 2011

Pawing through the comments on my previous posts, I see that I have fair amount of support from people. Cheers guys 🙂 So I thought I’d look into some of the things that were said.To start with, the inspiration was what was said by Lotte:

“maybe you need to understand who you are now not the future or the past”

Now this is a good exercise for me because the future is where we’re all headed one way or another, the past is gone and it’s too late to change, so the present is the only place to be that may make a difference.

My feelings about my existence are no secret, I’m not a fan of being dead but then I’m not shying away from it. Yes, things would be different if I had kids and/or a loved one, I don’t deny that, but I don’t have those and so it’s a null thought. Those who have commented have said things such as:

“You mere existence is an achievement”

and;

“still being here in the wake of something so strongly triggering is definitely an achievement”

And… I dunno, I can’t see it myself. My narcissism is saying that it’s just evidence of how dumb I am for not succeeding or how weak I was in the first place for getting into that situation. Rationally it doesn’t make sense but that’s not stopping it as much as I hoped. All I can say now is that I would love to have kids etc, possible reasons to live for, but I can’t see it happening so I try not to think about it.

So where am I?

Think that I may be coming round to the idea that I would like to live, and live for a long time, I just do not see a point to it at the moment.

Before anyone thinks that this is negative, let me just say that this is quite a big step in a different direction for me. Yes, the whole idea of being alive still seems pointless when applied to me, I’d actually like for there to be a point. This is part of me now.

Other ‘now’ things about me are that I know despite having my legal ability to drive removed, the passion for it is still with me. This puts me in mind of when I went to America and was involved in my only car accident (I wasn’t driving), when I got home to the UK I jumped in my car n went for a drive because I was terrified it would have affected me n made driving less pleasurable than it had been. As you can guess I was relieved to find it hadn’t had an impact on my driving, but it did make me a bloody awful passenger.

What else? Oh yeah, speaking of my trip to the US, like then I’m still fairly gung-ho as then I was going out to see someone who had only spoken to me online n had paid for my tickets etc. Same sort of thing now to be honest, just less sex and more work. This is definitely a good quality I see in me. Sure it could, and has, lead me into trouble but then it brings up another quality about me. I am quite resilient. Even when the brown stuff hits the rapidly rotating object, I can get through one way or another relatively unscathed.

No I’m not the same as I used to be. I’m nowhere near as confident/self assured as I was (some would say arrogant), and I’m much more of an asshole than I used to be… at least in some respects, but such is life. For now, right here, this is who I am.

Maybe this rediscovery thing is working.

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5 responses

12 05 2011
Visionary

Rediscovery is always an adventure. Just when you think you’ve figured it out, you realize that it all goes so much deeper. I may just now be getting introduced to your story (though I think I may have read an entry once before), but it sounds like you’re quite an amazing and interesting person.

13 05 2011
nullfuture

Welcome to the blog. Not sure I’d agree with your assesment of me… who am I kidding, I flat out deny it applies to me, apart from the person part, that applies.

But we’re all entitled to our opinions 🙂

Anyway, hope it continues to capture your imagination in one way or another

12 05 2011
Turquoise

Congratulations! This is really just awesome! Travel broadens the mind=true.

12 05 2011
Anonymous

Glad I could be of some use 🙂

So!? We need to find a point then?!

For now make the most of your travels and enjoy….the point…..well that will come, more than likely when you are least expecting it!! 🙂

Asshole??!! Really? Are you trying to convince us or yourself. AS for confidence and self esteem….doesn’t that decline in everyone as they age?? I dont know because confidence is not something I excell in….but hey ho

13 05 2011
lotte

Above comment was from me….God KNows why I remained annoymous…there are times in my life i wish i was annoymous but today is not one 🙂

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