Wheeler Revealer

17 05 2011

There’s been a few comments about how my words don’t paint me out to be an asshole and how they doubt the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It’s time to show what hasn’t been seen yet.

Where do I start? Think a note to the reader. If you read this and decide to leave a comment which says how good I am etc then please, just this once, don’t. This is just me saying how I see things regardless of how skewed from reality it may be.

NPD is, when you break it down, about being obsessed with self image, about how you see yourself and how you believe others see you.

I’m shit. Seriously. I am not ugly as such but I don’t think I’m attractive to anyone. Don’t think anyone has ever got with me based on my looks, I believe they’ve got with me despite my looks. I’m intelligent, no doubt about that, the thing that has always been drilled into me was “You’ve got a good brain, but…”. But. But I’m useless at applying it in any way that means anything. That’s what they imply.

“But it’s only implied” you may say.

If you know anything about communication then implying something is as good as saying it, maybe worse. And it still rings true. An IQ of 127, a creative mind, and where am I? In a rural part of France doing… sweet FA.

A wasted life.

Story of my life.

And people wonder why I feel suicidal more often than not.

It’s hard writing this but it’s important that it’s written, to see set the record straight.

So you see how NPD hits me, time to show how I’m an asshole.

I’m not an easy person to live with, my mood swings can prove… awkward. Yeah, this is normal for us bipolars (thanks Zoes doc for that one) but as I’m very aware of my effect on other people, it matters. I’m not that reliable. I’m not that faithful. And I can use, and have used, people for my own ends in some quite intense ways. I can be very caring but I can be very cold. If you don’t matter to me then, to be fair, you can go fuck yourself for all I care. I have my morals, for want of a better word, but if you fall outside the sphere of that then yeah, fuck yer. Someone close to you has died? That’s my problem why?

Is that enough information about me? It’s the way I am. No I don’t like me and am constantly surprised that people like me for any reason. It’s also why the most revealing pic you’ll see of me is this one…

Me

That is all.

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4 responses

17 05 2011
Pandora

I’m intelligent, no doubt about that, the thing that has always been drilled into me was “You’ve got a good brain, but…”. But. But I’m useless at applying it in any way that means anything…An IQ of 127, a creative mind, and where am I? In a rural part of France doing… sweet FA.

Well, I’m not in France unfortunately (though by Saturday evening I will be in Spain, yay), but other than that, I could have written this myself. That heinous little fucking word ‘but‘. I suppose in fairness to people in my life, the worst of the ‘buts‘ are self-directed, but they supply their own pitiful screed of, “well, you have a mental health problem, it’s not your fault [that you’re shit]”. Yeah. Ta folks.

If you don’t matter to me then, to be fair, you can go fuck yourself for all I care. I have my morals, for want of a better word, but if you fall outside the sphere of that then yeah, fuck yer. Someone close to you has died? That’s my problem why?

Seems reasonable enough to me (but then apparently I’m a closet narcissist too). This reminds me of the last, and mercifully only, time I saw the farce of hilarity that is my local Crisis Team. The woman said, “you’re sitting in a park relaxing, and then this man comes and sits down beside you. He has six screaming children running out of control, and they’re driving you up the walls. How do you interally respond?”

I said, “fuck him and his kids.”

She continued, “now, imagine that you complain to him about his children’s behaviour and he says, ‘sorry, it’s just that my wife died this morning and they’re a bit upset’. Now how do you internally respond?”

“That’s a shame for him but – well, fuck him and his kids.”

She then condescended me with comments such as “are you sure you understood my questions?”, yadda yadda, until I asked her and her companion to leave, citing my disgust that any of my salary had subsidised theirs.

Anyway, sorry for hogging your comment thread. I could have quite simply summed everything up by saying that this post doesn’t make me think any differently of you 🙂

18 05 2011
Turquoise

OMG, you *are* wanting to reveal! I was ‘me to’ing your comment on ID Pleased about outing yourself as a mental, but it must be horrible to also have the flipside of wanting to ‘out yourself to people’ (as yourself, if you know what I mean).

I still don’t think you’re a narcissist. You’re normal. And normal people are assholes too. Don’t go trying to claim credit for being something that normal people are! You self-obsessed wanker! 😛

Oh, ditto on the wasted IQ stuff. My whitecoats get annoyed I keep banging on about it, but they miss the point it’s in my *issues* list on schemas, etc- being intelligent is a social disability, in most cases.

18 05 2011
mentalpoliticalparent

I’m enjoying your revelations.

I too am a narcissist (psychologist certified January 2011) and as things stand thay are trying to “fix” me. I don’t think I need fixed, I’m fine the way I am thanks very much. Very useful personality trait for a career in politics and life in general in my experience.

Funnily enough I swing between thinking I am fab and thinking I am shit and most of my fabness has a corresponding shitness- lots of “yeah……..but!……”

Don’t know about my IQ, never been tested but sadly it’s high enough to see right through all the therapy and undermine it completely- or is that the narcissism?

Hmmm, meandering comment! Anyway, I still like you, however uncomfortable you may find it and I’m not going to stop. That’s the benefit of narcissism- I’ve decided you meet my high standards therefore you are my friend and there’s nothing you can do or say that changes that. Its all about me really.

Zoe
Xxx

18 05 2011
Rachael Black

It doesn’t sound as if you qualify for Narcissistic Personality disorder (and by the way what kind of cretin diagnosed this bullshit disorder?)
Let’s face it, it’s another new ‘syndrome’ that keeps some poor borderline sociopath from being diagnosed as a, well, sociopath.
Hey for all I know you are. Missing a conscience and like to fuck with people with no remorse? Sounds the same as a sociopath to me.
You seem to have a conscience though. You’re a garden variety clinical depressive with low self-esteem. Sounds like you have the double luck to be bi-polar as well.

I don’t know ANYONE that thinks they’re good looking or not living up to their potential, or feels that if someone actually shows an interest in them then the other person must be fucked up too, because who could care for a loser like yourself?
that is called NORMAL for a depressed person. Hell, it’s normal for someone who isn’t diagnosed with an mental illness. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a thriving business in self help gurus and of course plastic surgery.

I happily cal myself a misanthrope. Don’t like people and stay away from them. small talk bores the living shit out of me. Yet I’ve worked as a musucian and whenever someone in the crowd comes to congratualte me, or tell me I’m really ‘fantastic; I can’t vene talk to them (I am A GREAT actor) and feel like a total fraud.

So….. I don’t believe in NPD any more that I believe in healthy families, alien abductions, satanic cult abuse, or fucking ADHD.
You’re clinically depressed (comes with the low self-esteem), probably would be better of diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi-Polar.
Hell, to me is all sounds normal, and as I said, I don’t have any friends that don’t have these same damned thoughts and many times actions.
Get off the cross. We need the wood….

How’s that for your ‘wasted life’ and being an asshole?
Embrace Misanthropy! People ARE idiots.
And… I loved your post. It made me think. There’s nothing better than that my friend 😉

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