Hello Old Friend

27 05 2011

Here I am at half 3 in the morning, wondering when I’ll get to sleep and just letting my mind do it’s usual thing in order to settle it. This means letting it run through scenarios past and imagined, course sometimes it throws up a favourite.

The thoughts themselves were initially about my time in hospital and how I’d never been restrained. Ok, I never actually did anything to be restrained for but the staff did appear to be… wary of having to do so with me. I’m not a small guy, it’s mostly fat but then I’m pretty stocky, think rugby player without the dashing good looks.

Anyway, the imagination took over because I know how to defeat the restraint methods used (not hard with most restraints tbh, just possibly painful) and so it furnished me with a scenario which included the usual character who is quite belligerent. I don’t do well with whatever I term lack of respect, telling me to do something and then making veiled threats really does get my back up.

So, fantasy played out but this kind of character stuck in my mind as I’ve had dealings with similar people in real life. More often than not this person is wearing a police uniform. I don’t do well with the police. Whilst I try not to prejudge, there tends to be at least one copper who has either had enough, or has had a bad experience, or is just a fuckwit. My local police appeared to be loaded with these characters so you can imagine the fun we had with each other.

Inevitably this led to the loss of my license, which I should be able to attempt to get back in about 9 months time. This got me thinking about insurance and how long you need to go with a clean license before you can say no to the question of having convictions etc. Five years in case you were wondering. That would mean I’d be 40, hardly any age nowadays. Unfortunately my mind “I don’t wanna be alive when I’m 40”, and then…

I don’t want to live to be 35.

Like a deliquent husband who’s just come back after not being home for a few months, sat down at the table, and expects his tea. Bastard.

But even though you look exasperated at him, you continue as normal and curse under your breath. And so it is with this thought.

I really can’t imagine it happening. Being 35 no longer computes. The thought of it approaching fills me with dread. So stupid, but that’s the way it is, I can’t help it and even though people will say about it having gone before and having plenty to live for, it’s still there. No, it’s far from rational but there you go, fitting really as I’m not often rational.




3 responses

27 05 2011

About the restraining-why the hell did you not make me privy 2 this information before, after a few times of fightin i learnt 2 give up (usually black n blue and very sore) but 2 beat the system wud have been great!

Seriously tho, i dont know about others,but i struggle to think of making it thru 2 another year,cant think 2 far into the future,hell its bad enough at times wondering where il be next week, never mind next month! BUT you are right you have been here before with these thoughts and they do quieten down for a while, no maybe not disappear like we’d hope for,but quieten down. So try to hold onto the next round of quietness, n in the meantime find some very loud music 2 shut the noise out.

27 05 2011

Hmmmm I don’t know what to say but I really want to say something.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I didn’t imagine I would make it to 35, I really didn’t and looking back on how close I came at times during that 35th year to shuffling off this mortal coil I am astonished that I did. Am I grateful to all the people that helped keep me here? No I don’t think I am though I live in constant hope that one day I will be.

I am rapidly approaching 36 and for some reason I am dreading it and I’m not entirely sure why. Other than my constant desire to cease to exist.

I constantly get “but look what you’ve achieved” and true if I can look at my life without my shit-tinted glasses I have done rather a lot to be proud of. I think the problem for me, that’s so hard to get others to understand is that when you’ve also “achieved” the kinds of things that most people wouldn’t want to achieve even in their worst nightmares, it has a nasty habit of wiping out all of the good stuff.

I’m kind of taking the quit-smoking approach to life at the moment, just putting off exiting stage-left for ten minutes, then another ten minutes and so on. (I am still smoking though!)

So this comment turned out to be more about me than you (surprise!) and I haven’t said anything terribly helpful have I?

I suppose I just really want you to stick around, but I also want you to be happy (or at least content).

I don’t know. Gah. Big hugs.

Much love


29 05 2011

35 is a big one, actually. you have to start marking in a different tickbox when filling out demographic details. having gone through life not ever having age matter, or your advancing years being a ‘good’ thing, you find yourself in the ‘old’ box. I was warned of this when I hit 30 to take the heat off that one, so it didn’t hit me so bad, and in a one way, the 35+ boxes are good- shows you’ve come a long way- maybe it’s worth keeping on going? also shows how pointless it all is, though, so…
sorry to be a downer. on a positive note- please- tell all with avoiding restraints- I NEED this information!

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