Passedoubt

12 06 2011

Hmm, well, it’s certainly been an eye opening time for me as I’m coming to terms with issues I’ve got yet not admitted to, not even to myself. Bet you can guess where all this is going.

I kinda have to be careful where I go with this as the book, which may or may not get published, is still a go. Yes, I’m shocked too.

My last post was disparaging of my upbringing. The reason for this, I guess, was because I’ve felt like an outcast, a black sheep, a mistake for a very long time. One thing I’m painfully aware of is that at no point was I an easy person to live/deal with. Promises broken, lies told, total unreliability really.

It’s this sort of thing which makes me think that I had bipolar from an early age. Or at least traits of it. It may be now that people will begin to tell me that I don’t have bipolar but have the classic ADD or ADHD (depending on your point of view). And I can see why this may be the view, I even researched it when I was younger. From the information I had, which wasn’t much as there wasn’t great levels of internet access, I kinda remember doubting it.

Maybe I should doubt my bipolar diagnosis. But then does it matter? Not really, the treatments are similar so it makes no odds really. Least that’s my view.

One thing it took me absolutely ages to get over was anything that required the slightest level of intimacy. If you asked me if I hugged my parents or my siblings then the answer would be no. Tried to comfort one person once and it just felt completely alien. Yeah, the person was upset, yeah they needed comforting, yeah I tried, but it just didn’t feel right in any way.

Is that normal? Seriously, I’m asking if that’s normal because I don’t know. I really don’t.

This is quite probably a big part of why I’m a flirt etc, because I want to get close in some way. It’s probably also a big part of why I link sex with self esteem, only feeling good about myself if I can get it on with a girl and make her cum.

This isn’t so much the way now, I’m a fair bit more pragmatic about things and accept that it’s not always great, even if there’s a connection there. And yes, it’s so much better if there is a connection and so I don’t just jump into bed with random woman… not any more at least.

I think that this is one subject I can lay to rest, or at least allow to run around the playpen for now. No point hiding from it but as I have absolutely no idea how to deal with the deeper seated issues then there’s nothing more I can do about it. Perhaps in the future I’ll learn to deal with it better.

But that’s the future.

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4 responses

12 06 2011
lotte

Personally i think its quite normal! Suppose it depends on upbringin n things-as a family we were’nt an emotion showing family so i never learnt them skills. As iv had the girl i have learnt in some way 2 comfort her physically. Same if someone tries to comfort me i find that tough, feels very unnatural, i freeze,just doesnt feel right.

just my opinion but i dont think its that strange,well not to me anyway. Others who are more used to this way of comforting might find it strange but i dont think so!

12 06 2011
lotte

Second attempt at this commenting-bloody phone!

I think its normal! Then again im not exactly normal,so i cud be totally wrong. I think a lot of it depends on how you’re brought up-we were not brought up with hugs n comfort,so how do you learn this? I can comfort the girl now with a bit more ease,others no not that easy-i can listen n do the talking etc,but the actual comforting makes me feel uncomfortable n awkward!

Its not something i feel comfortable recieving either,again when you’re not brought up with that how do you learn to accept it from others?

so yeah i think its normal (im not saying i like being like this) BUT others that have been shown n given this type of affection/emotion may disagree with me.

14 06 2011
Rachael Black

Null,
my parents never hugged me or showed physical affection either. As I grew older I came to believe that this was simply the way that they were raised. Don’t forget we’re only a hundred years past the Victorian age when many people -especially the rich or ‘middle class’- believed that touching or showing affection in any way was wrong. It would lead the child into a life of softness, debauchery, and god knows what other (then considered) bizarre behavior the Victorians cooked up (along with their great BDSM porn. doesn’t that always kill you?)

I too have a VERY difficult time touching others and tried my best to be far more physical with my daughter: holding her on my lap as we read, holding her hand when we walked together, laying in bed with her as she fell asleep looking at the pictures on her ceiling.

Can’t stand when a stranger touches me or even stands too closely.
Except -as with you- I am acting the flirt.

I had sex far far before I was ready and because there was no affection at home considered this as affection. And not what it was: Older (or same-age) guys taking advantage of a confused depressed utterly alone girl.

I do know one thing: Virtually all Bi-polar AND addicts (am sure you’re aware of the stats showing the enormous overlap here) feel the same way:
There was/is a huge hole in their lives and we were simply given no tools to learn with or overcome the emptiness.
Therapy, meds, religion, self-medication, one-night stands, total celibacy, weird fucking diets…. we’ve all tried everything to ‘fix’ ourselves.

Everyone has their own stories. and horrors – I was once raped, and also molested by my mother’s second husband. Did it have anything to do with the way I am now? Is it just another trauma? Does it even matter all these years later?
It never made me hate all men. Just THOSE men.
think of myself as lucky in that way. And I believe that therapy, meds, a GOOD shrink and the help of true friends (of which I have about 2) let these wounds heal.

Is being bi-polar strictly chemical? I believe so.
We are given this difference at birth. The same as a sexual preference or asthma.
It’s how we deal with it, or ignore it, or let the bad things in our lives make it grow like a fast eating cancer, feeding the depression.
God if we could just be given a toolbox at about the age of 6 that gives us what we need -smile-.

Will shut up now, but wanted you to know that I enjoyed this piece and very much connected with it. Can you tell -smile-?

Good luck on your journey Null. Inside and out.

p.s. don’t hug me at first if we ever meet heh

15 06 2011
nullfuture

Seems to be a running theme through the lives of those who experience mental health problems like us doesn’t it. Kinda why I wonder if I’ll ever be a dad and if I’d suck at it. And Rachael, thank you for your comment, think it qualifies as ‘Best Comment Ever’ tbh 🙂

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