Confusion Collusion

14 07 2011

Another day, another shit feeling. I’ll admit to diverting a lot of what I could write to this alleged book I’m allegedly writing but this feels a bit different. I’ll explain why.

What do I want to say?

I don’t know. My head feels all funny and it’s hard for me to get my thoughts into any semblance of a structure. Will try to forge ahead but be prepared as it may appear to be extremely disjointed (which is what it is).

Confusion.

Searching for answers to questions unasked.

Answers produce thoughts.

Thoughts produce emotions…?

No.

Thoughts produce reactions.

Reactions produce emotions.

And now?

Confusion still.

Self-loathing and self-doubt.

Why the fuck am I here? What am I doing? Why do I think this way? Why cant I do more? Why am I so fucking pathetic?

WhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhy Give me a fucking answer!

Thought gone now.

Spent.

No answer.

Nothing.

Just emptiness.

Tired.

Sleep.

sleep

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4 responses

14 07 2011
lotte

no answers…..just know you are not pathetic
Hugs n love
x x x x

14 07 2011
Anonymous

Wow, I don’t have answers either but go through this on a regular basis sweetie…and I have a borderline personality, ((((Hugs)))) keep going, things will become clearer 🙂

Lainie x x x

14 07 2011
Pandora

Fuck. I wish I had something useful to say.

Since I don’t, I’ll just say that I echo the others: you’re not pathetic. I don’t know what else to say. But I’m saying what I have in all sincerity.

*hugs*

P x

14 07 2011
Helen

I understand roughly how you are feeling but it doesn’t make it the right way to think. As you know i do it too and so do many, many people. It doesn’t help to normalise or validate what you are going through. You have to work it out yourself. Steve you are special in a good way not a derogatory way. Know that even wishing and thinking you could do more, shows your not pathetic. A pathetic person wouldn’t even bother thinking about it. Questions are the bane of my life, the ruin to my existence as they are probably to yours. Why did i?, why don’t i just?, will this make it better?, why can’t i do this? why wasn’t i there?, what ifs? are good too. Answers don’t come as freely and have to be sought which requires effort. My therapist teaches me that this goes against the here and now. These are all questions put to your future self or your past self. Neither of which you have control over. I still stand my ground in thinking you need a therapist. When you eventually get back here we can research this further. Love you lots and miss you even more. Your friend, H xx

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