31 08 2011

It’s just gone 3am and here I am, doing something I said I wasn’t going to do. Something I’m not sure I can do.

Let’s see where we get to.

Have things changed? No, I’m still unstable. I can’t really describe how I feel at the moment because… because… just because.

So why am I writing this?

I don’t know, I really don’t. I have no idea what I’m going to say, I just needed to vent and it wasn’t going to work in my book writing (yep, still going on that). The style of blogging means you can go faster than writing by hand.

Dear god I should get a point or get finished.

All this time I’ve felt lost in the wilderness, like I’m in a vacuum in the darkness. All this time I’ve been looking for a reason to be here, a purpose, a handhold of some form.

Have I found one? Perhaps. My fingers slipping off what feels like an anchor. A sob escaping my lips as my tentative grip slips and it disappears again. Scrabbling for it as it goes.

Quite a poetic way of saying, I have a glimmer of an idea and the thoughts I have mean that I’m constantly dismissing it. The idea? The anchor? I just want to help. How I can do this I dunno but that doesn’t stop the desire. And it’s a strong desire, oh so very strong. Yet I can always beat myself up over it. Who am I to help? I’m too full of shit to be of use. In fact I could do more harm than good and then I’d really be a shit.

I dunno. I really don’t. Gonna stop as the fire has died out.

By the way, thank you for your kind words on my last post, were all much appreciated.




One response

31 08 2011

great to hear something, anything, from you.

*never* dismiss an idea. your advice, to stop saying you’re fine? well that’s mine back at you. keep everything you think of, and nurture it. the first idea may be right, but even it if is the wrong one, but the process of giving it life, of considering it, of (fairly) criticising it, of seeing its limitations and opportunities, will lead you to the right one. And if could well be that the process leads you back to a first (dismissed) idea, because you now are in the right place to give it its place. (sorry, lots of words, hope some of it made sense)

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