Don’t Try This At Home, I Mean It

2 10 2011

Let me begin by saying that what follows is not something friendly or happy. In fact it’s the content of my thoughts over the past few days… at least I think it’s been a few days, it could’ve been longer, in one or two cases I’m sure it’s been a week or or so.

Whatever. Look, I guess I should say that there will probably be some triggering stuff in here if you are of a delicate nature don’t continue. You’re gonna read it anyway to satisfy your morbid curiosity but least I’ve covered my ass.

So what have I been thinking about?

Well naturally the perenial favourite of hanging myself makes an appearance. Yes I’ve had a belt tight round my neck again, not attached to a ligature point though. Been thinking about the few places I could suspend myself from. Not a bad thing but whilst I think about it I’m really not interested in impersonating a light pull. But old habits die hard.

Quite tame really eh, well lets see what else we got in the bag.

Walking about I’ve had a couple of different thoughts going through my head, the first one is stepping out into traffic, not in order to kill myself though. There is a technique to surviving being hit by a car at 30mph n I just see me doing it. I land on the floor and yes I’m gonna be in pain but I imagine myself lying there laughing my ass off. What’s so funny? I dunno, it’s just the thought. Oh n police cars are an on/off favourite for this idea but to be honest any car would do.

What else? Well, you ever done drugs? Of the illegal kind I mean. I have, only a bit of weed n to be honest it never really did much for me. However I’d currently really like to try coke. Dunno why specifically coke but alcohol n smoking really are dull so I think a little extra stimulation would be just what I need. Just to add a little flavour to proceedings I do also think about injecting heroin, just enough to kill me rather than get me wasted.

Sticking with drugs and I’d like to be chemically castrated. Random but I think it’s a bit more likely and less scary than chopping my balls off. Why do I want this? Well when sex becomes the overriding factor in your life it can become extremely, for want of a better word, frustrating. Why should I stay like this when there are possible solutions to my situation? Am I a rapist? No, very much against that but hey, everyone has their demons and sex has become one for me.

Knife fantasies are playing a massive part in things now, the oldest version being to use a kitchen knife to slice down my left forearm (I’m right handed) and letting me bleed out.

One thing to round this whole thing off is a thought that’s becoming a bit of an obsession.

I want to look at a vein.

Yes you read that right. I’d like to cut open my forearm n withdraw about two inches of vein, clean it up then watch to see if you can see the pulse. Why? Dunno, just do. As you can tell this is not really about self harm, it’s an experiment, that’s how I see it. It’s not an suicide attempt either as I don’t want to cut the vein. At least most of the time I don’t. Ok I admit that there are glimpses of finishing the experiment off by cutting the vein but it’s only minor as thoughts go. No more than about 30% likelihood anyway. See, no reason to worry.

And that’s what I’ve been thinking about. I’m not actively suicidal although I have kinda defaulted to a ‘what happens happens’ stance of sorts. No need to worry though, I’m unlikely to kill myself. I have my own thoughts if or when I do kill myself but I’ll leave them for another time.

Don’t worry!

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6 responses

2 10 2011
lotte

You write it so well! As you know a lot of what you write i can empathise with, doesnt make it any easier though. The thoughts, the strange obsessions….hell Im gonna say it anyway, ‘they are just thoughts’ and as my therapist would say ‘you dont need to act on them’ Like i said it’s what my therapist says….not that I believe it BUT one thing I am saying is that I’d hate for you to act on them.

Keep safe & Take Care
x x x

2 10 2011
Jared

I’ve been thinking about offing myself all night. Maybe they are just thoughts. But everyday the thoughts seem a little less scary and a little more rational.

2 10 2011
Pandora

No words of advice for you Null, but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you, and I hope that things get easier sooner rather than later.

*hugs*

P x

2 10 2011
theurbanworrier

Hey! oh, cool, someone’s on the same wavelength (OK, I was going to try for a sex change rather than chemical castration, if I plan on surviving; my other ‘experimental research’ is definitely with a view to offing rather than just scientific interest). the last couple of times I’ve been to hospital A&E I’ve ended up having to take my own canulas out, and I’m getting seriously into the idea of injection. heroin for preference, but might start looking at other more accessible stuff. cheers mate! nice to know others are on the same path.

3 10 2011
theurbanworrier

err, hate to bogart your comments threads again, but in the past couple of days I’ve been worrying about you.
the suicide stuff I get- you’ll see no argument from me.
maybe i’m reading too much in (based on my own experience and those of a mate who killed himself at your age wrestling what I think may be similar demons for you). But just to say; my own experience of starting genital self harm had no time at all between ideation and commencement. And once it starts,it just gets worse and worse, and more fucked up in your head, which makes it worse again. Obviously the anatomy is different and likely has different meanings, but it sounds to me like you could be starting on a road to self harm, OR, to making real the fears you’ve expressed about demand taking over.
You obviously have to be *so* careful talking to the whitecoats- a sectioning for this kind of thing could really fuck you up. But do think about asking a GP for something which could give a temporary chemical castration to keep stuff in check if you think you can’t deal with it. There are lots of psych meds whose side effects include reducing sex drive, and probably lots of other drugs could do it too.
I’m just saying that -with the benefit of my own experience- you’ve got a precious opportunity to get in and slam the brakes before this train derails. Please take it. We care!

11 10 2011
tinyratty

Bit late to reply,but been a bit behind due to my own circumstances. I get the whole experiment thing, I often find myself looking deep inside my wounds, looking more than is ‘necessarie’ any ways. Can’t comment on the castration thing seeing as I am a girl and all, but what ever you do please stay as safe as you can.

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