The Reason of Why?

19 10 2011

Self awareness within a person is a surprisingly rare thing in this world. I thought I knew myself well but I was educated somewhat by circumstances and so I have a little knowledge to share. Let’s face it, life is a learning experience and it’s useful if someone happens to know a couple of shortcuts.

The reason I raise the subject of self awareness is because I was explaining to a friend about the depression I currently find myself in. Having just come out of a depression, going back into one doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t fit the pattern as described in my YouTube video. At least unless you remember what I said about the possibility of variance.

I can tell you categorically that I am not in a bipolar typical depression, I am in what the professionals call a Major Depressive Episode (MDE for short). How do I know? It feels different from the other depressions I’ve had, except one. Having learned from that first one I am aware of what’s causing this one. Self awareness in action as it were. So, in theory at least, I can take steps in order to circumvent things getting worse (I haven’t because I’m miserable and stubborn but that’s not the point).

Without a doubt it’s difficult to spot the difference, I had an advantage as I’ve got 20 or so years of bipolar depression behind me and I still got caught well and truly out. This time I’m more fortunate, not that I’m doing anything about it… but I digress.

Now, if you are under your local caring sharing CMHT (spot the sarcasm) and you go to them under the guise of feeling low then they’ll probably do what everyone else does and change your meds a bit. Hell, everyone gets low, and so an adjustment of medications is de rigeur.

However, the title of this post is ‘The Reason of Why?’ and the reason is simple, because we don’t know. Is it important to question why someone with bipolar is depressed? Hell yes!

In the first instance, adjusting your meds, which are unlikely to contain any anti depressants, is unlikely to do anything to adjust your mood. Why? Because the two versions of depression work differently.

And in the second instance, treatment with anti depressants for bipolar patients tends to be an incredibly bad idea, it damn near killed me that’s for sure. Ok, the side effect (or allergy) to anti depressants can be moderated by having mood stabilizers in place, but it still happens.

Note: I’m not anti meds, they serve a good purpose, I’m anti idiots prescribing meds.

So we come again to the question; why?

Why are you depressed? Is it because your mood has been high and you’ve reached that critical point where you’re coming down? Or is it because you have difficulty in venting your emotions and things have reached critical mass? This is what you or your doctor should be asking, either in the mind or out loud; “This person is depressed. Why?”

My MDEs have come from my inability to express my emotions properly, of bottling up all the anger, the hatred, all the bad feelings till they reach the point of explosion or implosion. Explosion will come as outburst of anger etc, implosion will come in the form of depression. I think, though I only have anecdotal proof, that as a one those with bipolar are repressive Mother Hubbards and so we have occasions where experiencing an MDE becomes a very real possibility. Whilst you may not be a fan of the hugging, expressing emotions gang (I know I’m not), we have to learn to vent somehow, and constructively, otherwise it’s going to take us down and we rarely go down alone.

So question why, always, because the answer may surprise you.

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2 responses

20 10 2011
Pandora

Not much to add to this Null, but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. x

20 10 2011
Rachael Black

Good post. as you know I;m also bi-polar but suffer from mainly dysphoric mania, not the typical ‘let’s clean every surface in the house, paint the barn, chain-smoke Hey! I’m God. No really!’ type of mania. Only had 33 of those and it’s been years since the last.
I DO take 2 anti-depressants with the mood stabilizers. Each time I’ve tried to go off the anti-depressants suicidal ideation comes back harder and more forcefully.
Here in the States the insurance corporations have made it impossible to obtain both counseling AND medication without seeing an M.D AND a therapist. Who the fuck can afford that?
It’s a coincidence but I argued/discussed several of the points you’ve made on another mental health blog in the last week.

Your point, knowing yourself, is only the first step.
For without action knowledge is nothing.
Of course crushing depression keeps one from working on their actions. It’s a damned Catch-22!

Best of luck my friend, sounds like we’re two peas in a pod right now, and your post resonated with me. thank you.

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