The Dilemma

21 10 2011

Well, hasn’t it been quite the adventure for many people these past seven days. Let’s not go into that as it’s only mildly relevant to this post. Btw, if you’ve seen this via a post on Twitter, yes I’ve reactivated my account, no I’m not checking it because as my profile says, I’m having a bit of a Twitter holiday. Even this post isn’t live, so whilst you read this I’ll metaphorically be on the metaphorical beach, sipping metaphorical cold drinks and relaxing. Metaphorically.

So what is the dilemma?

I’m sure at some point I have mentioned something about my lack of desire to reach the grand old age of thirty five. If you don’t remember this, quick recap is that I do not believe that, or necessarily want to, reach the age of thirty five, the idea fills me with dread.

In six weeks time That event I fear so much will occur.

Now you may be thinking, what’s so bad about this? Couldn’t tell you, all I know is that I would rather die (half the time) than reach that day (the other half is a bit too terrified to think). Oh by the way, when I say I’d rather die.. I’m not kidding or being poetical. I really think that either something is going to kill me or I’m going to do it myself.

My awesome friend is already trying to distract me from this thinking, attempting to think of things to do to usher in this day without it being a complete nightmare. It’s appreciated, I just don’t think it’ll work.

I’m fully aware of the irrationality of my thinking but I can’t help it, it’s just where my mind is going. As far as I’m concerned in seven weeks you’ll be reading my obituary (if you’re really interested, it won’t be interesting though).

I dunno what else to put to be honest, I just wanted to put it out there for some reason. Never mind, carry on about your business.

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7 responses

21 10 2011
theothers55

I’m trying to think of something to say that doesn’t sound trite or is a cliche, it’s hard! I do understand how it feels to want to die, I’ve made many serious attempts, ‘luck’ wasn’t on my side.
From where I am now I can say that things do change, I’m still suicidal at times, but I think I might want to live a bit longer, just to see what happens next. I really hope that you will live a bit longer too, just to see where your life is going to take you.
Jay.

21 10 2011
roseyleeee

We shall see.

There is rarely anything inevitable in life other than death. Although, as we all know our death is not a fixed point and certainly in your case, your death will be timed to suit you and be at your hand come hell or high water. I think you are catastrophizing, you are also seemingly psychotic. So damn sure of your delusion that 35 is a terrible age to reach and exist beyond. Surely what your thinking is the ONLY solution? WRONG! You need to prove your own thinking wrong. Good things may well happen after the age of 35 although its not guaranteed. I know how crap it is to have a birthday near christmas. hahahaha. So what happens after you turn 35? Well, i turn 27. Then christmas and new year and life and life and life and life until we die.

Sorry for my ramblings. I seldom do anything but random and as usual this post will not help one bit. Thats what i get for having a stubborn friend. Talk to you later. x

21 10 2011
NullFuture

Me? Stubborn? Ok, you got me there. Whatever way it turns out, still glad you’re my friend (who is awesome).

21 10 2011
Rachael Black

Well, I never believed I’d hit 30. and somehow I did. the BEST years of my life were from the age of 35 to 45.
I’ll be 50 in two weeks and have nothing left, no money, savings, my house, had to surrender the car and drive a junker. and you already know about the back surgery and bi-polar. Used to make six figures. Now I can’t afford to eat.
I fucking hate it.

35 can be a good year for you. You’ll not only know yourself better but you have experiences to draw on that can help you from repeating past mistakes.

In my case turning 50 means the end. It feels as though I’ll be too old to be considered ‘sexy’ or even a woman.,I feel as though people will laugh if I keep on like I do, and laugh behind my back. have to give up my short skirts, Fuck-Me-Pumps, and low-cut tops. I DO feel old (but still am surpriseed when looking in the mirror -still act like a 19 year old heh) and want to die as well, but I know it won’t happen. Attempting to re-start an old skill-set to take all of this off my mind.

So knock it off babe. After all, think of how many days have been predicted to be ‘The End of the World.’ Today for example -grin-.
don’t off yourself because you are obsessed with the idea of dying that day.
It ain’t gonna happen.

When you turn 50 THEN you can bitch.And you’ll make it there -sooner than you fucking think.
BTW I’m wearing a normal all black outfit on this coming Birthday. Short short skirt, still have killer legs, ,FMPs, low-cut top -maybe a corset-.
Screw it. I don’t ‘look’ 50 but my god I certainly consider it old.

Hang in there. I’d give anything to be 35 again. Truly. Great years.
xo

21 10 2011
NullFuture

Well congrats on posting the 250th genuine comment on my blog. No prizes, just a sense of a job well done 🙂 Beyond that, all I can think of is to say I have a sudden urge to say “Work it girlfriend!”

21 10 2011
theurbanworrier

Having been promised all along that 35 would be when I finally got ‘my’ life, when the investment started to pay back, with hindsight, I’d have been better off taking the nearest cliff, and fucking wish I had of done. The fact you expect 35 to be bad will mean it can’t be as bad as you’re thinking. But anyway, I’ve been told to stick around to November to congratulate Pan on her success, you’re going to fucking have to too…

21 10 2011
NullFuture

Ok, I think I need to clear up a point or two.

I know things can get better as well as worse and I know that in theory, my future years could be spectacular. However, I cannot even imagine being 35. There is something so abhorrent about 35 that I cannot imagine reaching that day in 6 weeks time.

Why? I don’t know. I really don’t know and no matter how many doctors etc I speak to there’s never an answer, just a long term (nearly a decade) feeling that I won’t see it. There’s no significance to being 35, don’t know anyone who has died at that age, it’s a complete mystery.

I guess I need help to figure out this one because I’m just scared to death (no pun intended) about it. Yes it’ll probably be a death at my own hand because that’s how terrified of it I am. And I still don’t know why! All I know is that any time I try to think around that time, my brain does its best to block it out and I just feel… scared.

Sorry I didn’t say this in the blog post but it’s not easy to get my head round it at the best of times.

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