Work Shy

25 10 2011

I have a bit of a guilty secret. I… don’t know how to say this really, it’s not something I’m proud of but I wanna get it out there because… well… I don’t know, it’ll work itself into a reason at some point.

I don’t want to work.

Yeah, I can feel the eyes of people who are saying “Fucking scrounger” and the like because, as it happens I am on benefits. Not really helping the cause am I. But it’s the truth.

Ok, maybe it’s not the accurate truth. The accurate truth is that I… struggle with dealing with my emotions and that so this isn’t easy for me to come out and say.

Fuck it. Just say it already!

I don’t want to work because deep down the thought of working terrifies me.

I’ll admit that I can’t reason this one away because it doesn’t make sense to me. I am capable of working as it were, my physical health is good… or at least good enough, my work ethic is strong, my motivation to work is there (I want money so I can do the things I want to do). Yet when the thought of a job hits me, I recoil. What the fuck is wrong with me? I didn’t used to be like this, in all but my absolute gut wrenchingly worse days I’ve worked. There are things I want to do which I can’t because I can’t afford to. So why am I so scared of what’s going on? Hell, I even went to France and worked at various jobs. So why do I recoil from it now?

This makes no damn sense to me and I’m aware that this might not be the most coherent blog post I’ve ever done but the one thing about me which is key in this situation is that I have a huge amount of suppressed emotion and that which I struggle to connect with.

Thanks to my FUA (friend of uber awesomeness) I have been learning a bit about psychology and psychotherapy which has armed me with a little more knowledge with which to look at this. Looking at it in the Child/Adult/Parent bit which is part of Transactional Analysis, my mind is locked firmly into adult mode which means that I’m very analytical etc. The problem is that the child portion is feeling all the emotion part. I cannot connect one with the other. I cannot look at my emotions because… I don’t know how.

Until now I’ve not really been aware of how important this is. To be honest I don’t know how important it is now, I just get the feeling that it’s important because it’s affecting my life and I don’t know how or why. Oh man, really am struggling to a) express myself and b) make this a coherent posting. I apologise. Seems a waste of a blog post but then it’s only further repressing whatever it is that is causing this trouble within my head so whilst its nonsensical rambling, I kinda need it to exist.

Fuck. I really can see me ending up on the acute ward again. I don’t want to and I highly doubt it’ll be of any use but I get the feeling that it’s looming anyway. Bollocks.

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