Access Denial

3 11 2011

Today things escalated for me. Thanks to my FUA, a route towards assistance was found and a jaunt to A&E and a meeting with Crisis Team.

That’s when things went south.

I’m probably not the impartial witness to all of this. I’m also not a happy go lucky person at the moment, so expect a little bias. Hopefully FUA will be able to put a different slant on this.

I’ve not had much, if any, dealings with Crisis so I wasn’t really prepared or biased towards them as such. I say as such because they are mental health professionals and I’ve had some pretty bad experiences with the group as a whole, but I have met a few who were good… or good enough. Add to this I can be a bit of a bugger as a patient which has led to some fun times.

Now, in times of stress I go mute. That’s right, it’s a weird thing and I kinda understand why it happens but I don’t know why it happens. Yeah, you know what I mean. I’ve had this for at least ten years and it depends on who I’m talking to and how much stress I’m under. It’s subconcious and I can’t control it.

So, not the best mix, certainly not the easiest to deal with.

Let the games begin. I say this because the woman from Crisis was rude, certainly, as FUA said, she had a HUGE chip on her shoulder. This does not go down well with me, it really doesn’t. Nothing gets me into a confrontational mood quicker than someone being confrontational with me on my turf, so to speak. To top it off she tells me I don’t have bipolar 2.

Yes I’m cured people! Halleluyah! It’s a miracle! You too can be cured! As Crisis person said ‘That’s a good thing’.

Err, no. It’s not a good thing. Why? Because I DO have bipolar. Yes, really.

What really didn’t help, especially after the, in my eyes, idiotic spouting about not having bipolar, was the joys of me being alive. Having had it in my head that I won’t reach my 35th birthday for quite some time now, say ten years, she comes up with something along the lines of ‘But you’re still here, that’s a good thing’. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Needless to say I packed up my kit (pen and paper, been here before remember) and walked out without looking back.

What follows is FUA getting hold of me and getting me to remotely come back. Things, as far as I’m aware, got serious with talk of police involvement. Shoulda just kept walking but FUA talked me out of it, wasn’t as if I gave a shit about the police. And then? Arrangements were made for a psychiatrist to attend as I was NOT going to talk to the nurse again, metaphorically of course.

Psychiatrist turns up, me and FUA go in, discussions commence and I think I manage to last five minutes before I, again, pack up my gear and walk out. Why? Apparently I cannot be assessed if I can’t talk. News to me, along with other psychiatrists. I’ll admit it’s difficult but it’s possible.

Sorry but I wasn’t going back. To be honest, I can explain what I’m going through in a lot more detail but not right now as I’m not in the best frame of mind.

Whatever. I only went because FUA did a fuckload of legwork n I’m sad because she’s trying really hard cuz she cares about me. And then everything goes to shit. Don’t like letting her down, after all she’s not my Friend of Uber Awesomeness for nothing. Guess me having a personality disorder really fucks professionals minds up. No surprise. There will be one last ditch effort to halt what I believe wholeheartedly is inevitable. We shall see what happens.

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8 responses

3 11 2011
roseyleeee

First of all – ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

Having had time to clear my head and think about what happened its clearer now as to why you just stopped talking. Your speech reduced dramatically after we saw the first Nurse. The stress and anxiety causes a psychological response within you and therefore are no longer able to verbalise what you want to say. It appears to me that you have most difficulty communicating with the medical profession. It may do you good, should you get to see the Psych at Redcliffe ctr, to write down/list what your main problems are & how your feeling. Also a good explanation of your mutism (should u stop talking again).

I’m sorry for initially being so angry and frustrated. I was just so upset that they really felt they could not help. They both had an attitude from the get go. I am overall quite disappointed with Dr Hussari as In the past he has been much more easy going than that. x

3 11 2011
NullFuture

To be honest, it’s harder to talk to strangers or people I don’t feel comfortable with at times like that, thus why I could talk to you until the stress got too much.

Sorry for letting you down (regardless of whether I did or not, I think I did), you put it a lot of work n it didn’t work out. Sorry 😦

3 11 2011
roseyleeee

Oh and by easy going I mean understanding. Ah and yes they both seemed to be Hung up on your PD issue. Remember it was Dr Hussari who decided I also had BPD. I’m pretty sure our crisis team are obsessed with PDs and anyone who does not conform or cooperate has one. Fuckers.(I no longer have a PD, I’m cured. Just have Bipolar and according to the crisis CPN that’s a bad thing. PD = good thing) WTF

3 11 2011
theurbanworrier

sadly, your experience isn’t unique and the observation about things getting bad after nurse one sounds *sooo* typical of a shit pln stopping any meaningful assessment. and nurses aren’t qualified to diagnose- it’s amazing you didn’t fucking deck them.
you’re lucky to have fua- that’s brilliant advice (not to mention support given).

3 11 2011
NullFuture

Uh huh everybody should have a FUA. I wouldn’t have done it myself.

Getting assistance (boycotting the h word) shouldn’t be as difficult as it currently is, especially if already known to the services previously. It’s a lifetime condition after all

4 11 2011
Rachael Black

It IS a lifetime condition, and some dumbass nurse advocate telling you that you don’t suffer from Bi-Polar, despite all of the documentation showing otherwise, is pathetic.

Understand the ‘shutting down,’ I myself just do not leave the house, answer emails, phone calls or anything else. And I call it going underground.
And it always results from incredibly stressful situations that I cannot process due to my illness.

go back. keep going back. you WILL find someone to help. it just sucks that it takes so long.
~More HUGZ-

4 11 2011
Pandora

I want to break that bitch’s neck. Who the fuck is she to go around re-diagnosis people she’s only met? I can totally understand why you couldn’t stand to listen to a person like that. Patronising cow.

I’m so sorry things have gotten to this point 😦 Thank God for FUA. Be sake, Null. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts, as of they make any difference.

Take care

Pan x

4 11 2011
Pandora

Please excuse the plethora of iPhone auto-“correct” fails/typos in the above.

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