AAAAHAHAHAHAHA! or Do Psychiatrists Have A Sense Of Humour?

9 11 2011

I had my appointment with the psychiatrist at the CMHT today, literally five minutes ago as I write this. So, lets look if this last ditch effort worked out or not shall we.

Right, let’s start off with a notice to the reader:

I am a difficult patient to deal with, no bones about it, I am possibly a psychiatrists worse nightmare to communicate with. I’m clever, I’m well informed, I’m arrogant, I fully believe I know my condition significantly better than the average doctor. Not a pleasant mix if I’m honest, I can be nasty if I feel the doctor isn’t taking me seriously.

Ok, that’s out of the way, let’s get into the fun stuff.

Right, the doctor I saw is one I’ve spoken to before and seems to be relatively clued in so I wasn’t overly pessimistic about the meeting, but I did go into it not expecting to achieve anything. I had company in the meeting in the form of my ex, she came along to express things in her way as sometimes I get stuck, or stuff like that. All sounds good so far doesn’t it, apart from the title of this post which kinda gives the game away.

Ok, let’s clear up something from my previous post, namely how a dumb ass CPN thought she’d patronise the shit out of me. Her assertion was that I don’t have Bipolar, and that that’s a good thing. Despite the fact that this statement in front of a friend who also has Bipolar was incredibly crass, it was also eroneous. You see, my diagnosis, according to my notes, is narcissistic personality disorder with a question mark about Bipolar 2. Why the question mark? Because I have a personality disorder, it’s that simple, and I can see the thinking behind this. However, my assertion is that I DO have Bipolar 2 along with NPD. The doctor thus questioned me on why I was certain about that, so I detailed about how I live this 24/7 and have done, knowingly, for 20 years. I’ll admit outright that the NPD accounts for a fair amount of my mood swings but it doesn’t account for all of it, especially not the extremes of mood and certainly not the treatment induced mania I experienced on SSRIs (at least the research I’ve done shows no link between TIM and personality disorders).

Convincing arguement? Apparently not, and the reason why? Because I haven’t had the training. That’s right, I haven’t had the training of a psychiatrist, I haven’t seen patients with bipolar day after day, so I am not qualified to say what I have. For me to be able to quantify what I feel and experience I need to have a nice little certificate to say I’m able to do this (I wonder if the artistic and creatively bonkers Zoe Smith can do one for those who need to show they’re a qualified mental?).

Anyway, the doctor did knock nail on head about something, that there is a part of me that doesn’t want to die. Hell, I’ll admit it, death is fucking scary to me, and there is a possibility that I will pussy out (like a boss) from doing it. Hell, how do you explain me talking about medications that may help out with certain aspects of me? Why was I voluntarily in that office to begin with? Because I’m not doing it for me, I’m doing it for Friend of Uber Awesomeness. Otherwise I genuinely wouldn’t have been there, I wouldn’t have been talking rationally about things that may change my state of mind.

What meds was I thinking of? Cyproterone. You can google it if you want as it’s not a normal psych med. In ultra low doses it actually forms part of the female contraceptive pill, in high doses it is used as treatment for prostate cancer, somewhere in the middle it’s used for reducing hirsuitness (sp?) and for transexuals (to aid the change). Whilst I am hairy it’s not that big a problem, and I’ve not desire to be a woman, my reason to ask for it was for the other option. Reduced sex drive, or more colloquially chemical castration.

I cannot begin to describe how shit I feel for having the sex drive that I do, for the things I think about, constantly, and for the things that I do. Don’t care what you think of me (ok, I do but for sake of arguement just pretend I don’t), I loathe myself for it without reservation. There is no chance of me becoming a sex offender, I’m too much of a wimp and I was raised to respect women, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it.

Yeah, this got very personal but fuck it, it’s the truth.

When asked what I thought they could do to help me, I was honest, because I don’t think they can help me at all. I really am ambivalent towards things. So I was offered a blood test to measure hormones and a referral to psychology, to be accompanied by a follow up appointment with the same doctor. Sounds good doesn’t it, sounds proactive. It made the ex and I smile… no, wait, smirk is probably more appropriate. This irked the doc a bit so I asked the ex to explain (pun not intended but there anyway).

Her angle, having seen me go through the system a few times, was that it was just the same thing happening again, being passed around and not actually doing anything about it. For me it was because the last time I was in touch with psychology was for them to say that the waiting list was two years and there was no guarantee of being seen. That’s two years for an assessment to take place, not therapy. Add to this that the follow up appointment would be pencilled in for a date in three months time.

Three months. It is my overwhelming desire to be dead in about three weeks time. Don’t know about you but I found this hilarious. Don’t think the doctor agreed but then hey, some people find The Office funny (I didn’t), so it takes all kinds.

So, now what? Umm, got to be honest, I think it’s fair to say that the referral was a failure. I went because part of me wanted to for my own benefit, partly for a friend. The part that wanted to do it for me was unable to express anything, and I genuinely don’t think the doctor believes I intend to do it. Maybe he’s right, maybe I’ll lose my battle to kill myself. But we’ve discussed this already. Ah well, it gave me something to laugh about anyway.

Toodle pip

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5 responses

9 11 2011
Zoë Smith

Thanks for the link and the “creatively bonkers” I like it and I will put you on the “to-draw” list.

I wish I had something useful or even supportive to say but as I am discovering all psychiatrists and most MH professionals are arrogant cunts (and I can’t be arsed to debate my use of that word with you either) and they fear and loath patients with any intelligence.

Your first mistake was knowing what is wrong with you, your second- understanding it, your third- knowing what drug may help.You are a marked man.

Keep fighting the fuckers- for that part of you that doesn’t want to die- and for all of us who want you to be alive and miserable like the rest of us.

Much love

Zoe
Xxx

9 11 2011
Pandora

What Zoe said. Amen.

9 11 2011
NullFuture

Mwah n (((((hugs)))) just get the feeling you need them

9 11 2011
NullFuture

I think my fourth mistake was having a personality disorder. Just get the feeling that it clouded everything in the docs head, but that’s my thoughts.

What was funny yet I didn’t mention it in the post was that he did try a little mind game with me by saying that if I do kill myself then I’m not a good narcissist. I laughed because it’d make sense for me to fuck up at everything else. Oh, and it demonstrated his lack of understanding but hey ho, I didn’t let it get to me.

Btw, you do realise that by being creatively bonkers you’re sort of the antithesis to Stephen Fry?

13 11 2011
Doctor, please tell me what’s *really* wrong with me « theurbanworrier

[…] in (although it’s futile to convince a whitecoat you have any clue about your problems, as Null recently re-discovered.  But just for my own benefit, I thought I’d see what Similar Minds had to say vis my […]

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