UTurn A Go Go

14 11 2011

Ok, so, my previous blog post was a miniture one simply stating my lack of presence on either this blog or Twitter. However, this has generated some feedback that I shouldn’t be doing this, that I should be open about things.

Ok, so here we go.

First question is: Why am I doing this via blog rather than just talking to people concerned?

Because, for me, it’s not quite so personal. Yes, I am trying to avoid direct personalisation of things which may follow. Maybe this isn’t a healthy way to do things but it’s the only way I can really say things at this time.

Next question is; what’s been happening since the post on Wednesday?

Ok, well, umm, things were the usual thing, the only thing on my calendar was a meeting with my adviser at the JobCentre. This filled me with anxiety because I know I’m under pressure (mild though it may be) to find a job or at least try to. It would be fair to say I’m not really in the position to do so and also see the futility in trying. But still I went to the meeting as otherwise it looks bad for getting my payments (yeah, money still pays a role as I have bills to pay whilst I’m alive and I’m not prepared to screw people over quite that much).

So, how did it go? To be fair, the adviser was doing what she could to help and it was me being the pain as I can’t answer questions like “How can we help you get back into work?”. As I’ve been open and honest about my diagnoses, and the person was knowledgable about mental health, it shouldn’t have gone the way it did. However, as I was clearly struggling to answer questions, she asked about my mental health. I asked if she wanted to know the truth, she said yes. So I told her.

In retrospect, this wasn’t a good idea but then at times like that I have a habit of being super honest. All of which meant she became concerned as I answered questions and avoided eye contact until I’d had enough and walked out, berating myself for opening my mouth and telling people things.

I returned home and got back into bed to watch a dvd. Doing so and enjoying the dvd, there comes a knock at my door and my mum walks in to say “You’ve got a visitor”. As I’m laying in my bed with my head right next to the door I can’t see whomever it is, despite looking every which way it is. A voice I don’t know calls out.

“It’s the police”

Oh great.

So after having a terse exchange with my mother for answering the police matter of factly when they asked what I was doing, she left, the male came in, and started to quiz me on what had happened at the job centre.

So I sat cross legged on my bed as he sat on a chair, and I told him.

I knew what was going to happen because everyone who hears my plan seems to have a similar reaction. Sure enough I was asked if I would accompany him and his partner to see some professionals. And while he admitted that they couldn’t issue a Section 136 detention as I was on private property, there is a little thing that the reader may be unaware of. When the police invite you somewhere, what they’re saying is “What we’ve said is going to happen one way or another, we’re currently giving you the easy/doesn’t waste our time option”. I’m smart enough (or dumb enough) to know this and fortunately they weren’t stupid enough to make those veiled threats that some officers seem keen on. So, I phoned a friend, asked advice, and then got ready and joined them out in their car.

In hindsight I could’ve legged it although that probably would have caused a few more issues for all concerned.

Anyway, long ass story shorter, I was seen at A&E and then taken under Section 136 to a Place Of Safety (more as a time saving measure than anything). After a few hours of waiting about, friend and I were seen by the usual troupe who, after hearing my story, offered me a voluntary stay in hospital (certainly not Plan A for me), to be seen by Crisis on a regular basis (again, not Plan A.. or B or even C). Think it was left that my CMHT was going to be contacted for an emergency appointment. Chances of me going to said appointment were it to ever materialise? Umm, somewhere in the region of nil.

So, where do things stand? Well, I shall be honest. I have stopped eating and drinking anything, although this will usually mean I’ll last a day or so before I give in, much to my chargrin. Why am I doing this? Well, it leads to my plan, partly in itself to kill me, partly to prevent that nasty side effect of death which is to evacuate every bodily function. Death is bad enough without shitting yourself as every muscle relaxes.

Beyond this I’m just spending my time in bed, doing very little except waiting for the time to feel right to do things. Yes, it’s an odd way to plan suicide but hey ho, I’ve never been accused of being normal have I.

I understand that this isn’t easy for friends etc to read, but hey, I’m honest and that’s what is alledged to best policy. Can I be helped? I honestly don’t think so. Just wish people weren’t hurt by all of this




3 responses

14 11 2011

I hope relief comes to you in a lively way.

14 11 2011

There’s nothing I feel like I can say that wouldn’t sound like platitudinous, patronising bollocks. But I wanted you to know that I’d read this and that I care.

P x

15 11 2011

sorry to hear this, but glad you’ve been able to put it out there. echoing pan, not much can be said, but there’s care out here for you

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