A Beautifully Disturbed Mind

20 11 2011

Let’s be fair, my personal view is that what I write could be equated to the vomiting of drivel that rarely makes sense (admittedly I’m biased in a not so small way). In truth it’s never down to the writer if what is scribed is profound or profoundly terrible. That dear reader is your remit.

Ever since we started to see what was available elsewhere, we were always going this way. What I don’t think was expected was that the teenage/young adult angst that fed so many cultural epicentres would continue in from Generation X to Generation Y.

What the hell am I on about? Felt that emptiness? That listlessness? That feeling that there is a gaping vacuum in your life, sort of a cancer, sort of anything you get angry/frustrated with, or maybe scared? We’re constantly bombarded with all the theory of ideals, of how life could be, and it takes a fair amount of internal determination to realise that no matter how much you struggle, this golden life is simply a by-product of a system tapped into that circuit of human existence, the desire to experience.

All the shiny images, all the dreams laid out for all to see, the bombardment of real and unreal, the blurring of lines to fit agendas. It’s all culminated in a situation where people become detached or isolated from the world in which they assume everyone lives. This fills people with despair and loathing.

You cannot show people the prize and then deny them a chance for it. “You can be a STAR!” we’re told “Well, not YOU but then hey, thanks for taking part. Now go. Now. Go. SECURITY!”.

Yeah I’m rambling and it doesn’t necessarily make a load of sense but what I’m trying to communicate is that empty feeling we all have when reality bites back like a ravenous tiger. When society promotes an all inclusive lifestyle yet the reality is that it exalts those who excludes others for reasons we’re meant to be aspiring towards is a mixed message and is like letting people run towards that great  prize before kicking some of them in the face because they aren’t the right people.

Part of this feeling might be narcissism run amok, but let’s face it, we’re fed a dream that we won’t achieve and people profit from that in order to make their dreams happen.

Are we all, as Tyler Durdan might say, maggots rolling around in the dirty dreaming of the stars? No, it’s rarely that simple.

To annoy some people, I think that maybe my narcissism allows me to understand people a little better than normal because I do see potential in others which they don’t realise. Of course they never believe me but then who would? All I see is the capacity, the level of potential, never what at. There are people being lied to and misled about what they can do and it saddens me. Have I met any stars of the future? Got to be honest, I don’t think so, but I see the potential for people to be more than they believe they can be in a different direction than they would normally have pursued. Trust me, I’m pretty good at system analysis and can gather ideas together to give an alternative look at new ideas. Am I desiring to stand on the shoulder of giants? A little, but I’d rather give a leg up to those who can. If I had my way I’d be a facilitator. Someone who directs traffic rather than jumps behind the wheel and tries to be the next Senna.

I dunno. No wonder so many people feel afflicted by the world, maybe we all need a guidance counsellor who can see things and show us avenues we never thought of before.

We can dream. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, we can do something, even if it’s not what we originally thought we’d end up doing.




4 responses

20 11 2011
Rachael Black

Gppd stuff the last week hon. Your quote in this post sums it up “You cannot show people the prize and then deny them a chance for it. “You can be a STAR!” we’re told “Well, not YOU but then hey, thanks for taking part. Now go. Now. Go. SECURITY!”.

This is why those without mental illness turn to drugs and alcohol. Because there IS that gaping hole in us that is unfulfilled.

20 11 2011
Rachael Black

And of course for those of us WITH Bi-Polar, well no wonder we’re at higher risk for addiction.
p.s. apologies for the major league typo of ‘good’ in the first post. Say, did I mention OCD goes great with gin and pictures of the bands I once played in when I was ‘famous’? heh
Be Well my friend.

20 11 2011

Hey, that’s fine your sexyship, nothing like a bit of alcohol fuelled retrospection.

Yeah, I can see why addiction comes so easily and leaves so difficult. Fortunately I’ve never stuck to anything long enough to get addicted. At least in theory. Never did any hard drugs n keep feeling that I kinda missed out. But hey, I found other ways to fuck myself up. Or felt that it’d already been done well enough for me. Either way.

Least I sorta jealous of your position, as fucked up as that may seem, because to me at least you lived (my god you’ve lived a life)

21 11 2011
Rachael Black

Thanks hon. I DID live a helluva an interesting, amazing, musically famous, crazy world wide business famous, laughter filled (even when it was false as we depressives do) up until about 5 years ago -smile-.

Now I’ve just turned 50, am on disability for bi-polar, cannot afford a therapist just a psychiatrist and meds, cannot afford enough heat; snowing like hell outside but to get the house warmer than 60F in here can only run the circa 1921 ‘The Shining’ furnace once a day for about an hour. This winter my average front room temp is 45-47F. Otherwise the heating bill on this old place would put me on the streets.
Cannot afford enough food. Or booze to take the edge off -grin-.

Back surgeries, having the neurosurgeon telling me last week that nothing more can be done because my back is degenerating past what medical science can do. So nothing but more medication and electo-stimulation (fucking voodoo) for the spine .
The remainder of my life -hopefully short- will be spent in constant physical and emotional pain. And alone.
Null, I adore your blog because there is someone else out there that understands and knows and feels the same insane thoughts.
Much Love my friend

p.s. if my Burning Man friends pitch in and get me a ticket (again) this year I PROMISE to find some addictive substances and dedicate them to you -wink-

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