Depressing Stuff

20 11 2011

Ok, quick thing here, sort of a warning/disclaimer/message to give the game away as to what is to come in this post.

You know all that stuff I’ve said about ending my life before my 35th birthday? Well that. This is me giving you fair warning to bail out while the going’s good.

My mood is quite good at the moment, certainly better than the bundle of shite it was for the past couple of weeks. I’m able to interact and, well, life seems to be not bad. So, you may be thinking that all this nonsense about me dying within the next week and a half (probably at my own hand) was just a phase and everything is copasetic now.

Ok, ok, I’ll credit you with far more intelligence than that because I’ve already warned the reader about what is coming up. So let’s get on with it.

Have I changed my mind? Not in the slightest, the plan is set, every detail, every nuance thought about. Even the date is set. Does this make me happy? No. My end fills me with a great deal of trepidation, dying is alien to part of my psyche after all. However, as I’ve stated to the variety of mental health professionals I’ve ended up in front of, my passing is the lesser of the two evils. One even quizzed me what was the greater evil, to which the reply was “Living” (according to my friend who was with me at the time).

To clarify things, living isn’t a problem in itself, achieving the age of 35 is. Don’t ask me to explain as we’ve been over this a huge amount of times in this blog, and even more times with people who ask me about it. When quizzed about what would happen if I lived to see 35, what would happen, the answer has always been the same “Sorry, I don’t understand the question”. I can’t comprehend things. Does not compute.

Ah well, soon be time to wrap up affairs etc. Kinda sobering thoughts but what the hell. To be fair, if I were in the US, I’d be dead already because a lot of suicides of men are by using a firearm, but I’m in the UK so I shall be doing it a different way. Oh and foregoing hanging. Seriously, if you’re thinking about hanging as a method of suicide, don’t. I’ve done the maths and it’s actually quite the art to hang yourself properly, guess that’s why the hangmen of old were paid a good deal, not only by the authorities but also by the families.

Oh people do hang themselves all the time, however they don’t do it in the best way, they do it the bad way. The bad way being to hang there, asphyxiating, blood pounding in your head, thoughts going through your head, as minute after minute passes by. Not a nice way to go, not great if you’re found anyway as there’s bound to be plenty of side issues to make life less fun.

Fuck it, I’m sure this is a pointless post but I’ve written it anyway so I’ll post it up. Bollocks to it.

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