Random Morbid Venting

26 11 2011

I seem to be blogging an awful lot at the moment but then I have a few things going on in my head. Expect non fun stuff in this one, although I have no idea what I’m going to write.

As I write this, it’s ticked certainly into the wee small hours of Saturday. I could say how this is my last weekend, how I’d like it to be good, but truth be told, it’s not that simple.

Is it ever?

Yes, this may indeed be my final weekend, I have scheduled myself for a toe tag in about five days time, but there is work afoot to ensure this doesn’t happen. Not by me I might add. Anyway, if this really is my final weekend then all I can think of is how wishing it to be a good one is clinging to a romantic notion. And that, for me, seems to be incredibly stupid because it’ll be whatever it’ll be, good or bad, it’s days ticking by, nothing more, nothing less. Should it pass in the usual manner then it’s kinda fitting, hate for things to get interesting now of all times.

A couple of people have stated how I’ve influenced their lives for the better. This is supremely difficult for me to resolve within myself as I can’t believe that I did, and if forced on the issue I’ll declare it to be luck rather than any design. Why? Easier to say that it could’ve been anyone this way, I’m not special, just in the right place at the right time.

I’m aware that some people will be thinking “If you were gonna kill yourself, you wouldn’t talk about it, you’d just do it”. Maybe that’s why someone used the search term ‘fuck off nullfuture’. Don’t worry, that’s the plan. And I talk about this shit because I have thoughts in my head and I just want to get them out, it’s always been my method of coping. Why not write it on paper? Because I’ve tried and it just doesn’t seem to work for some reason.

Will I actually do it? A damn good question, even I’m a little uncertain as to what will happen. Death still scares the bejesus out of me but the plan is in place and it just feels like the least sucky of the options I’m faced with. As time progresses I think of things I’d like to do in the future but then I think about how it doesn’t matter, I’m planning for something that’ll never happen, even if I live these ideas are unlikely to come to fruition. So the logic follows that if I’m not doing it, I’m delaying the inevitable

I’ve also painted myself into a corner it would seem. Howso? Well, to reinforce things, I believe that not killing myself will mean people will hate me more than they currently do. Even if they like me at the moment, by creating all this fuss over nothing, they will like me a lot less. Rather be gone than be here as people wish I were gone.

Just for a little psychology, my reason to die before the age of 35 may be tied in with the death of Ayrton Senna. He died aged 34 and I remember it all well. Very upsetting and I cried at a time when it was unheard of for me to cry for any reason. How fucked up is that? That the death of someone who, ok he was a hero, I didn’t know when I was in my late teens could possibly have that impact on me some 17 years later.

Damned if I know if this is the case, but it’s the only, tenuous as it is, link to anything to do with my main motivator.

Ah well, all I can think of to say to round things off is this;

My death, should it happen, is not important. It’s not symbolic of anything, it’s not a pointer to a flawed system (the rest of the system points that out well enough without help from me). It is just getting rid of the waste, the putting down of an animal that can’t stop hurting. It’s just necessary.



5 responses

26 11 2011

A couple of people have stated how I’ve influenced their lives for the better. This is supremely difficult for me to resolve within myself as I can’t believe that I did…

Well, you did – and you do. The causes of it matter not.

Predictably hypocritically, I really don’t want you to die. I know you don’t believe it, but you’d genuinely be missed; not just by me, but by many people.

Would it matter if I said “please don’t do it, Null”?

If you do do it – and I’d reiterate that I really, truly don’t want you to – I hope you find your peace.

But I’d rather you found that peace amongst the living. It’s not easy, but it can be ‘doable’.

Many hugs

Pan xxx

26 11 2011
Zoë Smith

Apologies in advance, I am the queen of unhelpful comments to suicidal blog posts.

My own permanent death wish is so salient and I understand that urge to end it all so well. Yes I’ve been here many times before, no it doesn’t make it any easier as you know.

I am currently spending the weekend in a benzo haze in an attempt to keep me safe (it was that or the bin) this didn’t stop me trialling my latest idea last night to ensure any glitches could be ironed out and I’m no less keen to off myself today than I was yesterday, it hurts and it doesn’t.

I got the usual anti-suicide speech yesterday from the MH health profession and was able to counter every single point they made with one of my own, reasons not to fucking bother any more.

I’m rambling, I’m dancing around trying not to say-

I get it Steve, I really do, good luck to you if that’s what you want, I hope it’s quick, effective and painless and you get what you want.

But then I am a very, very unwell woman so maybe you shouldn’t listen to me, maybe you should listen to those around you that are saying “hang on, it will get better”. Because the chances are they are more likely to be right than someone as batshit crazy as myself.

Just a thought.

I’d miss you and I’d also have a tantrum as it’s just not fair you get to get away from the mental when we’re all stuck with it! My tantrums aren’t pretty, you’d be inflicting a horrendous scene on the world.

Trying humour now see?

Anyway, don’t die (unless you really, really want to) if you do, make sure that things are in place so that some cunt of a policeman or better still a psychiatrist finds your bloated/burned/shrunken corpse.

Much love


26 11 2011
Rachael Black

Tough Love Answer:
WTF? I see some people are encouraging you to off yourself. You know me, suicidal ideation from the age of 14 or so. 4 visits to the Puzzle House over the years,3 failed attempts even though I KNOW the only way to go out now; learning through life experience can come in handy. In a morbid way, as you said. After so many years (just turned 50. Fuck) it IS tiring to keep up the facade. Has been for years
On the other hand -which I’m looking at right now here are some tools I’ve used to get off the self-pity whirl:
1..Look forward to something cool coming up -even if it’s not for 6 months. Burning Man has kept me alive for years. “If I can just make it till Burning Man then I’ll consider this again.” So hard but doable.
2. Help someone else! As Pandora said, you HAVE helped many people myself included. Think of how much a failure your readers will feel about Themselves for not being able to help you in return.
3. Taking advice from other suicidal people is not going to help, nor clearly are any mental health professionals unless you Want it. It’s fucked to be intelligent because we can always have a reasonable (though most times idiotic in hindsight) answer to their suggestions and queries. If you have no respect for them then why take their advice. Have that going on in my life too. You’re so not alone on this one.
4. Help someone Else Part Two: Volunteer for something you believe in once or twice a week. do something kind for a person you don’t care for but don’t tell them it was you.
5. Check yourself into a mental facility to see if you can actually FIND a new shrink that way. Radical, but I actually found the ONLY shrink I’ve ever related to -we later became friends and he no longer charged me for sessions. Too bad he’s over 1000 miles away since I moved over ten years ago.
6. FORCE yourself to make a damned gratitude list. You can even start with something lame. I suggest ‘I do not offend people with my body odor’ and it Will be begin to flow.

Hon, I too have been sucked into the vortex of wanting nothing to do but die. More times than anyone could count.

Do Not Isolate. Do not get Hungry, Tired or Angry. If you find yourself in any of these situations immediately Change it. Even if your brain tells you ‘ah why bother.’

Now knock this ‘I’m picking out a nifty tow tag’ shit for a week. Try a few of your favorite bi-polar American friend’s suggestions. Not saying it will be easy… but it IS doable.
Love ‘ya sweets. Be well.

26 11 2011

Hi there,

I’ve followed you for quite some time on twitter. We often share that same path to despair. I’ve made serious attempts, been to the crazy farm, etc. However, what I hated the most ended up to be true…

So, we both have wanted to “eliminate the waste.” But it recently dawned on me that we would actually create more by making that permanent decision. All of the people that know us will be impacted if/when this happens. Pets (if applicable) mourn too. Therefore we would increase the “waste” by damaging other people.

Take a moment out of the day and breathe in fresh air, read a joke, or listen to a fav. Song. Instead of trying to fling ourselves into a deep commitment that we are not ready for, baby steps are a start. Currently, I am still in the babystep phase and still harming myself…but I think (not positive) that its working.

Its not much, but I hope its a little bit to think about. 😀

26 11 2011
Rachael Black

nice reply. Hopefully everyone who has replied is giving our dear friend something to help him.

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