My Love/Hate Relationship With Death

30 11 2011

Well, after the formatting nightmare of the last post (now sorted, I did say I was angry), it’s time for a new one which should hopefully be formatted properly

To fill you in, just in case you missed the fun, I’m currently detained on a Section 2.

So, I’ve seen my psychiatrist who seemed to have difficulty grasping that I wasn’t here because I wanted to be, I was here because of the hassle not being here would’ve been more bother than it was worth. Expressing that I don’t want help certainly took a while to settle in but it finally did. The end result being that I’ve been given a day to think about things.

And my initial thought? Fuck it, I’m off constant obs, it is time.

That was an hour and a half ago, so why am I still here?

To put it simply, I’m scared.

I have the opportunity, very much so, but there’s still a part of me that’s terrified of this. If this was America I’d have blown my brains out by now, because that’s quick, it’s done, you’re not sitting about waiting. Thinking. That gets to me, that I’ll be sat there thinking, that I’ll cave in, and I’ll have failed again (I know, should be used to it by now).

It really is a bit of fucked up thinking to want to delay an attempt because you want it to be quick rather than the fifteen minutes or more it’ll take to pass out.

I dunno, I’ll probably be thinking about this still in a days time. Maybe I am just an asshole who’s seeking attention in the only way his messed up mind will allow.

Typical.

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2 responses

30 11 2011
Were Horse (@Were_Horse)

Oh. Yes. I get it. The fear of that fifteen minutes is one of the things that keeps me here. Nothing else to say. Can’t tell you to live, or any of that positive bollocks. Make the right choice for you, and good luck with whatever you do.

1 12 2011
Pandora

OK, you’re still there. Shit.

I agree with Werehorse – yeah, death is often attractive, but it’s fucking terrifying too, so I totally get your dichotomy.

At the end of the day, I don’t want you to die. I know you’ll not believe me, but I find you smart, funny and supportive, and would greatly miss you if you weren’t here.

But I know depression. I know desperation and horror-filled days. So I hope you don’t do it, that you find a way out like I by some miracle have so far done, and you’ll be greatly missed if you go. You deserve peace, and I hope you get that by remaining alive – but it would be hypocritical (and completely unreasonable, since I “only” know you online) of me to demand that. I…I don’t know, I just hope you find your way.

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