Happiness Hurt

4 12 2011

Everyone should be happy, it’s kinda what we’re all looking for. I’m not talking about being deliriously happy, just kinda… I dunno, life doesn’t suck completely happiness.

Of course this being the real world there’s a thing called depression which makes achieving this difficult. Time for a different perspective on it.

Yes, as it’s my blog I’m allowed to give my perspective on what is a common yet commonly misunderstood thing (being a narcissist has nothing to do with it… ok, maybe a little). As we’re all different and life interacts with us in a variety ways, our experiences are going to be different, by sharing this variety we can achieve understanding etc.

At least that’s the theory. Anyway.

A little background on me is that it’s not easy to get me excited about stuff, something that at least one girlfriend has noted repeatedly. Events, especially these societal occasions which everyone gets worked up about leave me, for want of a better term, a little cold. Can’t really remember one of these events when I went “Oh cool!” or some such. Yes, I’ve had fun but I’ve never really got worked up about it. Not entirely sure what the significance is of this but I’m attempting to show a long standing malaise about things. Guess it’s like having zero hopes, at least then you can’t be disappointed.

So that’s the background, in a low key sorta way, and now bringing us up to date…

I’m down. I’m not sure I’m depressed and I’ll explain why. I know depression well, I’ve had epic lows which make interaction or even getting out of bed difficult which I call my bipolar lows (mostly because they’re not really tied into anything as a trigger). I’ve had what I believe was Major Depressive Episode which lasted a lot longer than the others and literally killed my passion for pretty much anything. And of course then I have my Narcissistic Personality Disorder lows which are more transient and not quite as deep as the bipolar lows.

My current state is… I dunno.

I was definitely depressed that I didn’t manage to kill myself, I was so lethargic, so unwilling to do anything. My appetite went, to the point where eventually I made myself eat yet could barely summon up the energy to eat what I had. It was slow and so very difficult to push through the times I wanted to stop and eat as much as I did. As I come from a history of eating fast and good sized portions, this is a big deal. On top of that I was unable to write, a coping strategy of mine, and I would either sit on my bed and not move for extended periods or walk around my hospital room not very balanced and walking into walls because… well, because there was no point to moving in any other direction.

As I said, this was how I was, I’m still not happy at being defeated by myself, but I’m not as bad as I was (mostly thanks to huge levels of assistance from friends). My situation is that I’m back to a weird state for me. I have a lot of transient emotions (probably indicitive of personality disorder influence) which seem to involve crying a fair amount which is significant. Why? Because there used to be a time (at least ten years in length) where if I cried once a year it’d be noteworthy, and now I do it fairly regularly.

So what has me tearing up got to do with anything? Well, like I said, the transient nature means it’s down to my PD but it’s the triggers which give it more significance.

Ever watched an episode of House? I know I’ve mentioned it before. I like it because Hugh Laurie is a good actor and his character is cool in a variety of ways. But there tend to be times at the moment when I cry, or at least get that jolt where tears are threatening. It’s the happy family moments.

You see, their happiness hurts me because I don’t believe I’ll ever witness it in my own situation (don’t worry, this isn’t restricted to fictional situations, they’re just the most common resource). I long for it, I ache for it, I’m intensely jealous of those who have it. Because I have never had it, and yeah, it’s enough to make me sad. Am I depressed though? It’s hard to say, I guess if I am then it’s been in place for so long that it’s become a background state. Is that possible or am I overintellectualising what is probably just sadness? What do you think?

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