Tis The Season To Be Messed Up

18 12 2011

Man, I’m on a roll at the moment with the blogging which may have something to do with me drinking far more than I normally do every night. There’s also been some good prompting going on so it’s not just the red wine or cider talking. So, what wonders lay inside? Only one way to find out…

Today I tried to do a little christmas shopping. As much as I’m not a big fan of the perversion via commercialisation of this pagan holiday, I’m subject to the same cultural conventions as the rest of the populace. So I went to a town I haven’t been to for a while in the company of a friend in order to fulfill my societal obligations. How did it go?

It was bloody awful. I mean it was a car crash of a day as when faced with the, admittedly poor, fare that was on offer, I couldn’t think of what to get. Sounds reasonable except I am legendary for being able to complete a full xmas shop in under an hour with all gifts being pretty good and applicable to the person. No I’m not a great shopper but I can get it done.

So what’s the big deal? I just couldn’t get my brain to switch on, to the point where I went to try on some boots (having given up on shopping for others) and I couldn’t answer the shop assistants questions. My brain just froze and my friend fortunately fielded any and all queries. This is a big deal because the one thing I’ve always been solid on is my thinking and to have it go to shit, it’s upsetting.

*sigh* I dunno, I just don’t see me getting better and I just seem to be stagnating in my life in situations I feel very uncomfortable with.

Stupid as it sounds, I feel lost in my own head and part of my needs the escape alcohol brings because otherwise I think too much and that hurts. It hurts to my core, to my soul, and I can’t take that. I have to come to some sort of terms that I’m too much of a pussy ass wimp to kill myself so I’m stuck with where I am. I want escapism, I want to not think, I just want to act on whatever impulse I have. I want to feel alive. Or be dead because this middle ground, this limbo, is a fucking nightmare with big ass fangs and claws

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4 responses

18 12 2011
Jermec

Brain freeze is incredibly painful. I truly feel for you, undergoing ECT induced halts at the moment. You did well having a friend with you, I’m not allowed put on my own at theoment. Hang in there, it won’t last forever. Blame Christmas & the crowds if that helps. All over soon.

18 12 2011
Pandora

Same shit happened to me in the same circumstances. I think to some extent, everyone feels; but when you’re laden with anxiety and agitation, it’s horrifically amplified it.

I learnt my lesson the hard way this week: either keep out of the shops entirely and shop online, or be fastidious in shopping, in advance of Shitmas, when the retailers are quiet.

But it’s so shit, however you look at it. People are mildly grateful for a bit, then they forget which present is yours in the military line of other gifts. It’s all for one single, solitary day – and what the hell does it actually achieve?!

Crock of auld shite.

(Sorry to rant, but as you probably know, the hypocrisy of this Clinton Cards Ex-Pagan Capitalist blow-out really isn’t my favourite thing in the world).

As irony free as possible though – have a good Shitmas Null, should that be possible 🙂

18 12 2011
Rachael Black

I can’t even set foot into a store this time of year. Just hearing Christmas carols cause me to break into tears. Knowing there is no money to buy -or even make/cook- presents for loved ones.
Maybe that helps explain my own over-indulgence in the egg nog (more brandy please!) and mulled (boxed) wine. You see, I have to remember that the above mentioned loved ones have also invited me to several holiday parties, replete with goodies and tasty beverages.
It’s just so difficult to know that this year I’m unable to reciprocate.

Self medicating is the only way I can get through what has always been the finest and happiest season in the past. Tried to skip the calories by over usiing the benzos but no luck. I just fall asleep heh.
Bah fucking humbug just can’t escape my lips however. It’s just that fabulous feeling of being the outsider.

Going with Pandora here:”have a good Shitmas Null, should that be possible”

Cheers my friend!

19 12 2011
NullFuture

I’m with you guys, Pan n Rachael, maybe we should establish the anti-holiday of Shitmas where Santa takes a huge dump in your stocking if you bother with the whole fucking deal. All whilst waving a big fat wad of notes under your nose. Bastard.

Jermec, I feel for you big time. My brain is the only truly good thing I have n for that to go south is about as shitty as it gets. Hope your treatment works and works well, I really do

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