Fog On The Mind

20 12 2011

Well, I seem to be doing alright with this post a day lark, although I only started doing it by accident. How does this lead onto anything of interest? Easy, I couldn’t do it without ideas.

I posted a couple of days ago about my brain and it not functioning how it used to even a month or two ago. Ok, I may not have said about it going on so long but that’s besides the point at this very moment.

I was going to say about how my brain used to work but I started to write it and lost the plot. Go figure.
Anyway, it’s a bit weird because the content of the ideas I have are similar to the past. My issue seems to be that I have difficulty maintaining the idea for long. The question is why I seem to have this brain fog going on. Hopefully I can do the subject justice as it’s taken over three hours just to get to this point.

You know when you call someone like a call centre and then as they enter your mind just goes blank? Well, it’s sorta like that but it does feel like a fog bank rolling over my synapses and everything gets dulled. Used to be a time that when some pressure was applied my thinking would sharpen up and I’d have some pretty good stuff going on. Nowadays the fog rolls in pretty quick and I seem to have some big ass trouble figuring things out. Ho hum. I think what I’m trying to say, although the point might be getting lost a little in the melee, is that I may have a thought as to why things have gotten worse.

To say I’m an insecure person would be to invite the phrase ‘No shit Sherlock!’ and I know that this can create problems during interactions. For some reason I’m starting to give real creadence to the idea that we spend the time when someone else is talking to think of a reply. Not something I’ve been good at unless I don’t think. What this leads me to believe is that my, for lack of a better word, collapse over not being able to kill myself has led to a situation where I can’t think.

Probably not the most concise thing I’ve written but then I’m trying to say that I am completely lost with regards to who, what, why, or when, that I struggle to think. What this stems from is there being no future for me at this time, which isn’t me saying there will never be, just that at the moment it’s fragmented. I cannot say what I want because all I have are pieces which are, understandably, quite disjointed. As such I cannot map things out because of this disjointed, disconected cognition.

This makes it sound, I dunno, a bit messed up in my head because I’m not dead. Hopefully it does because that’s what I’m suggesting. My persona didn’t think I’d be here right now and so when thoughts come to continuing with anything dedicated to the future of this existence, my thought patterns overload as there’s nowhere for them to dump their content. There is no waypoint.

Just going to have to say that I can only shrug etc and then see where things go, most likely nowhere, I don’t know. Did this make sense? anyone got a clue they’re willing to share?




2 responses

20 12 2011

Don’t worry, you’re not alone 🙂 In fact, my mind has created an entire universe for itself (I call it ‘the fantasy world) because it doesn’t at all seem to ‘get’ that I’m still ‘living’ the ‘real’ life that I am.

I hope you’re OK, sir x

20 12 2011

I’m just wanting more alcohol because the head just doesn’t want to do sane. Fuck it

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