Regaining What Was Let Go

22 12 2011

You know, once you’ve divested yourself of everything (material possessions, even hopes and dreams) in preparation to die, it kinda makes life a bit complicated. I mean, you’re alive in a biological sense but adrift from that world in thought.

It’s been hard to deal with that situation, seriously hard. As many others will atest to, when you feel so disconnected from the world in which you felt, if not comfortable, at home in then it’s difficult to get back to some sort of semblance of… well, anything.

The last three weeks have been a matter of coming to terms with my failure to die which was more multi faceted than I could’ve credited it. Everything I cared about I gave up because there was no point continuing with it. And so I was left with… nothing. Well, nothing except the bewilderment over how I was so weak as to not be able to kill myself, the guilt over what I’d put people through and how they’d see me, and of course being disconnected from the world I’d previously known.

Hmm, ok, that’s not strictly true. I had my friends giving me a stupendous level of support, far beyond what I expected that’s for sure. Everyone else has been cautious around me, and so things have been… a bit easier than they could’ve been. This has, at least in theory, given me time and space to try to reach the shore of relative normality. Am I there? No, but it may be about time for whomever is at the top of the rigging to tentatively shout “Land ho!”.

So what now? Well… it’s hard to say, I’m kind of looking at things I had thought about beforehand, and I’m starting to get whiffs of my old self back. I’m back to designing stuff (as a hobby), and I have a few ideas floating about. Unfortunately it’s only a whiff as I’m not really able to concentrate on things for a longer period so it’s very hit and miss. I couldn’t write a book at the moment that’s for sure (yes, the one I wrote may be out soon… maybe).

There is one idea that I’m mulling over as much as my lack of concentration/focus allows me. It’s that thing about going for a long walk. How long? Ohh… something in the region of 1600 miles. Fairly long then. My problem now, and I’m forcing this issue because, like I said, I’m struggle to anchor myself to anything at the moment, is; do I do it? Sounds innocuous I know, however it has a huge list of things tied to it in order for me to go one way or another. And as I’m struggling to come to think things through, if you could let me know what you think, I’d appreciate it. Not asking for you to make my mind up for me, just looking for a little guidance to help me make my mind up myself.

If you want a little recap of the plan, it was to walk from Edinburgh, Scotland to Cabo Finisterre, Spain. The reason? Originally because it seemed like a good idea at the time, which then transformed to doing it to raise money for charity. Should take three to four months to do.

What do you reckon? Good idea? Bad idea? Worth doing? I’d like to know because I can’t focus enough to decide myself without input.

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4 responses

22 12 2011
Jeff

If your heart is into it, then go for it! The details will work themselves out as you go along. After you can say you have done it. Money for charity is all the better.

Jeff

23 12 2011
theurbanworrier

yes, definitely do it. i can’t walk at the mo because my whitecoats won’t let me, but it’s *good* for you.

26 12 2011
NullFuture

looks like I’ll have to start planning the walk properly then, cheers for the assist guys

4 01 2012
Rachael Black

Fabulous idea! Helping others always takes the focus off of ourselves. Good luck!

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