Measured Resolution

1 01 2012

It’s a new year, so I’m told, although for me it’s just another day. Anyway, some people use this time to reflect on the past and look to how they’d avoid repeating the same mistakes. Think I might take a crack at this. Be warned, there may be some nasty, potentially triggering, thoughts herein.

I can remember mistakes I’ve made although it’s fair to say that what I perceive to be a mistake may not really be a mistake. This makes it more difficult to perform this whole thing of resolutions etc. Me being me I tend to overanalyse situations anyway and then discard things until I get reminded. Such is the way my mind works.

So is there anything I’d like to change? Yes, but it’s not that simple (is it ever?).

There are some things I don’t think I’ll be able to change about myself, no matter what I do, they’re too deeply ingrained. Would I like to stop from thinking that everybody is constantly judging me, that everything is a test? Would I like to stop thinking about grabbing the sharp sharp bread knife and drawing is across my jugular? Thinking about hanging myself? About just giving up on anything and everything? Would I like to be seen as normal? Apart from the last one, yes, but it isn’t going to happen and I accept that.

What will I actually do? You know what, I’m not sure. In order to remedy this I’ve begun to add a little alcohol based psychic laxative in order to help shift this mental blockage.

Ok, things are greased up and sliding round the bowls of my mind. Time to open the sphincter of thought and pebble dash the bowl of creativity with my words.

Anyway.

One idea I’m holding onto is the whole big long walk for charity. Why? Because it’s something to do, something to hold onto because I have no other direction. It’s weak but when it’s the only thing you have to hold onto, you keep holding on.

Aside from the walk, I’m starting to think about cars more and more which is… interesting. I keep looking on the Bay of E at possible projects (if anyone knows of a dirt cheap Citroen AX then I may be interested). This is more a return to form for me, not sure where I’m going to go with it but at least I’m playing about with ideas and concepts.

Will I actually achieve anything? No idea. Theoretically, this year I might get help for my variety of issues, although I may end up working through them in my own way. Hell, if I go walking then I’m either doing therapy via Skype or just trying to work through my shit on my own (with a little venting on here).

Enough blathering, what are my resolutions? I don’t have any. Remember, it’s just another day, it’s only point is as an easily remembered yard stick of local cultural significance. And what can I measure by this yard stick? That I went the lowest I’ve ever been yet there’s a little way to go before I hit rock bottom and start digging. Or I’ll go up. Or stay the same. And that’s the only way I can measure it, in a generalistic fashion, that’s just me. How about you?

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