Emotionally Motionless

5 01 2012

You know, it’s hard to be explaining about the thoughts I have but I’m going to have a little go at giving another insight into the thought processes that I have. Maybe then you’ll see what my problem is. Maybe I will too.

For the record I’m going to state that I have Bipolar II and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Those who follow my blog on a regular basis will be aware of this assertion, along with doctors assertion that I don’t have Bipolar II.

So let’s get on with it.

I… I have trouble with empathy. Not the most auspicious of starts, not exactly florid prose and it’s just covering stuff I’ve said before here and here. However, these things have to start somewhere and as crap as this start is, it’s where it starts.

Yes, I’m stalling. Could you tell?

Why am I stalling? Because I’m trying to word things in a way that make sense whilst avoiding making me look like a complete twat. Welcome to the joys of narcissism.

Right, I have difficulty with empathy which means that whilst like I’m everybody else in that I feel emotions (more on this later), I’m unlike ‘normal’ people because I struggle to understand the emotional content of things. I cannot feel your pain, I can only sympathise that it may not be a good thing.

An example at this point would probably help wouldn’t it.

I loved my grandparents from my dads side (mothers side had only one who was barely in contact with reality thanks to manic depression) but of course entropy takes everyone accidents don’t. When they died, one by one, funerals were held, everybody was sad. Well, I say everyone but that’s not true, I wasn’t. I felt nothing. Wasn’t happy they’d gone but wasn’t exactly tearing up. Didn’t shed a tear at all. To tell the truth by that point I hadn’t shed a tear for quite a few years, and wouldn’t for a few more.

People die all the time but for quite a while I couldn’t even do the socially acceptable thing of sympathising that someone had died. Didn’t care because it didn’t affect me.

When I was going to go out with friends, fulfilled girlfriends wishes about when to be home and then she says she doesn’t want me to go. Things go from bad to worse and she’s sat on the bed crying. I don’t get why. And then I switch to the complete arse mode. By that I mean I just don’t care, I’m just sat there looking at her thinking ‘Just shut the fuck up’. At which point I knew it was time to end the relationship.

Believe it or not I think I went for a period of about 5 years where I didn’t cry at all no matter what. Course now I cry more than a startlet winning an Oscar. Just thought I’d mention that.

My actual thinking process ends up with me being very much conflicted and struggling to make decisions, apart from those moments where I get a random idea that I seem to be able to run with. There’s times when I’m also able to focus, and I see things differently, making connections and only using a fuzzy kind of logic. Can be a bit bizarre at times.

Wonder if I’ve got personal enough that the effects can be seen?

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