Impulse Drive *contains images of self harm*

7 01 2012

Ok, you read the title and so you know what’s coming up. I’m also gonna say about why I did it and why I’m blogging about it. Again, it contains at least one (I haven’t decided if there will be more) image of self harm. You’ve been warned.

Ok, I know my email subscribers won’t really get a pause between reading the warning and seeing whatever will be coming so I’m gonna waffle in order to take up some space so it doesn’t come as a massive surprise.

Thinking about it, depending on the email program etc etc, they may not get a choice so fuck it, let’s get on with it.

If you’re upset by this then, well, shit, wasn’t my intention. My reason for even doing this is that I just have these thoughts and pouring the bile from my mind onto this electronic canvas was the first thing I thought of to stop them from being cyclical. That’s the thing that gets to me more than anything else, the fact that I’ll be thinking the same complete bollocks time and time and time and time again. So here we are, dicking about here in an effort to stop things from whipping up a storm A cerebral tornado as it were.

I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore Toto.

So here we go, drumroll please. Ladies, gentlemen, those who do not wish to wear such labels, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…. TA DA!

Choo Choo!

Not exactly impressive is it. Not exactly deep lacerations going on huh. As far as self harm goes it’s a bit fucking weak, let’s be honest here.

But then I wasn’t self harming per se.

I know, if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and walks like a duck, then it’s most likely a duck. However, isn’t the purpose of self harm to use pain to block out all the bad stuff? Not what I did it for, besides, I’m such a wuss that I only got some stinging pain because I wasn’t pushing hard enough on the blade. So why did I do it? Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Still does if I’m honest. Just did it for shits n giggles, for larks, because the little noise inside my head said to do it. Whatever you want to call it I just did it on impulse without concious forethought. And I’m thinking of going again.

Why the three lines? The first started out with a short line near a vein but the scalpel I was using was bloody rubbish, merely scoring a line. Looked at a few other craft knives n they looked no better or rusty. I remembered I still had one of the razor blades I’d smuggled in (and out) of hospital. So I retrieved that, followed the line already marked out, but wimped out pushing down hard so went for long. Course looking at it, it looked a little out of place so I thought it should have company. Then I thought that line looked a little out of place so I tried again and so ended up with three minor cuts.

Right, that’s it, the noise has lessened so I’m gonna leave it there, the writing at least. As for everything else, we’ll see what my impulse drive brings forth. Beam me up Scotty.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

4 responses

7 01 2012
Just me

wow u could have taken those words right out of my mind. It is unbelievable as to how your account of self harming is so true and could be word for word for one of my accounts. Sometimes I end up just like that but I’m really glad that your noise has lessoned and you were able to stop before it got deeper.

8 01 2012
NullFuture

I’ve never really been one for self harm tbh, just a compulsion I’ve started doing, probably associated to the suicide ideation I have in that area (having failed in other versions). Take it you push further/deeper with yours

8 01 2012
theurbanworrier

ok, when i saw the image and the long lines i thought you were saying suicide, so maybe it’s wedir to say but it’s pretty worrying that you’re getting more into regular self harm.
oh love, we’re not kids any more, how come we got through teenagerhood without going all emo and only now start doing this shit? I know where you’re at (I’m busily waiting for Him Indoors to go back to work so I can *cut*), so it’s weird also to feel this sadness that you’re doing down the same path, seemingly with the same determination as I.
hugs

9 01 2012
NullFuture

I know 🙂 Tbh my preferred method of self harm is to punch myself in the head. I did, at one point, drag the knuckles of one hand down every surface, from brick walls to wire mesh fences and everything in between for about a mile. Just because I felt like it.

Do I think I’ll stop cutting? No, if I’m honest, it’ll probably get worse as it seems that the compulsion is going that way. I dunno, it’s all a bit royally fucked up whatever way you look at it

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: