Struggling To Identify

11 01 2012

It’s been… a slightly problematic time for me. Oh don’t worry, nothing serious but I will be talking about a bit of self harm. Nothing terribly interesting but hey ho, you’ve had loads of posts to be playing with already.

Best start with the whole self harm thing first, get that out of the way.

As I’ve said before, I’m a complete wuss when it comes to pain. I’ve basically overdosed on every pain killer out there, including morphine (congrats to the hospital that made that error) so I’m not making it up or just being squeemish, I have an issue with pain. So I decided on a little experiment in order to reduce the pain which makes cutting my wrists an issue. I don’t have access to pharmaceuticals so I filled a sink with cold water and held my forearm under the surface. The idea is that cold water numbs the skin but what I wasn’t expecting was the water to be cold enough to hurt. That caught me out but didn’t disuade me.

Now, I’m a noob as far as self harm goes but I’m no stranger to getting cuts etc thanks to playing with cars. So, as you’d expect, the first cut, which was with a razor blade and quite light, didn’t feel of anything. You may be wondering why I do a light cut first, the reason is that I use it as a guide, sort of like scoring a line to follow. Precision seems to be important, I don’t know why. Then, after washing off the seeping blood I set to work again for a deeper incision which I started.

Then stopped.

Why? It didn’t hurt that’s for sure, but I did feel something. It felt like a tearing as the blade cut. This is probably where you’d get to call me a wuss as it weirded me out enough to stop. Like I said, I’m new to this so I have to wonder if this is normal. Hmm, we’ll see, maybe I should just forego precision in favour of actually getting on with it, like ripping off a plaster quickly.

Maybe I should go back to hanging. Or I should just save my money up, purchase a black market firearm and take what, by far, is my preferred method of ending things (lethal injection being a close runner-up and a rift in time/space removing me from history being extremely unlikely).

As you can see, suicide is still very much an option although it won’t be this month because I want to watch the truly awesome TV show Chuck finish out it’s run. Really is one of the few things I can watch and be happy regardless of what else is going on.

I still struggle to indentify with anything I could call a life. If what I have is deemed a life then you can have it back because this one is faulty as fuck.

Low point of the past few days was definitely my mother trying to connect with me out of concern for my welfare. If there were a list of people who I’d want doing this, my mother would definitely not be on it. *shudder*

Beyond that I did believe I was getting better because I was looking into items on ebay to work with for projects. However, I should’ve known it was only a matter of time before I came to realisation that these ideas etc are a waste of time because they won’t happen. Part of my problem is wishing, or thinking ‘If I had x I could do y, z, and the rest of the alphabet’. Problem is I don’t have x and I’m unlikely to have it any time soon so why bother? I can’t see a future so why have ideas that rely on there being a future? Kinda self defeating in more ways than one. And so I end up wanting to withdraw from the world with a side order of suicide ideation because I think I will fail at withdrawing from the world and therefore death means I can actually keep to it.

The world owes me nothing but I just can’t help but aim too high, be it project ideas, treatment, women. I don’t know how else to aim and so I end up shooting myself in the foot more often than not.

I think I’m rambling a bit so I should probably stop now. Hope you guys are fairing better than this.

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2 responses

16 01 2012
the urban worrier

feeling pain as unpleasant when self harming is a good thing- hold onto that, it’ll save you from it. my (and I suspect most others’) self-harm relies on dissociation, or *needing the pain* rather than just the expression or action or whatever else self harm gives.

hearing ya on the background stuff- wish i had an answer, but clearly don’t…

17 01 2012
NullFuture

Problem though, I don’t wanna be saved

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