Identified Struggling

13 01 2012

It’s a little surreal to think that I very recently wrote a post entitled Struggling To Identify. Now I get to write one about how I’m struggling full stop. How fun is that?!

As it happens, not very.

To begin with, a minor diversion; my mouth tastes of skimmed milk. I hate skimmed milk, it tastes horrible. Don’t think this is a hallucination as they’re usually smells or things I think I see, sometimes something I thought I heard. Anyway, it’s possible it’s a hallucination but I reckon it’s probably just something I ate coming back to haunt me somehow. Still tastes shitty, like skimmed milk.

Back to where I was heading to before my mind jinked sideways. Yes, I’m struggling. I don’t normally struggle, I’m normally either fine (the genuine, non-double meaning version of fine), or I have a few issues. Me actually struggling, where I well up, I get a significant jolt in my chest of whatever it is. Might be anxiety but I’ll be damned if I know why it’s happening and why it’s so damn strong.

There’s a couple of coping mechanisms in place at the moment, one a little weird, the other a little harmful. Weird comes in the form of twitching. My legs may twitch, feet, arms, hands are most common, sort of like I’ve too much energy and I need to vent it somehow. I can stop it for a period of time but it builds up and then it comes in a big hit. Harmful is me hitting myself in the head, forehead mostly, but not exclusively.

Yeah I know I’m not alone in struggling but I can’t blog about your experience now can I, that’d just be weird n stalkerish. Much fun as it’d be to be a stalker, I can’t afford the binoculars.

Ah fuck, I’ve been short tempered and I don’t that’ll change. I’ve had the thoughts about hanging myself (and hang the complications *cue rimshot*), of shooting myself (shotgun or a revolver for technical reasons, nine mil cuz they’re cooler than revolvers), cutting off my genitals. Nothing amazing, just evident self loathing going nice n deep.

Shame I can’t get a blade to do the same on my wrist.

What now? Dunno, I’d count sheep but they’re out riding motorbikes. Why? I dunno, I don’t speak sheep, but it seems to make them happy so why spoil the fun?

Think I better shut the fuck up now. Laters potaters.

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14 01 2012
This Week in Mentalists – The How is the New Year treating us Mentalists? Edition « This Week in Mentalists

[…] is Nullfuture: It’s a little surreal to think that I very recently wrote a post entitled Struggling To […]

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