Diagnosis Question Time

20 01 2012

We all know what it’s like when we receive our first diagnosis, kinda ‘that explains a lot’ moment going on. Course then we get our next diagnosis, then another, then another, then something completely different. Gets to the point where you question what you know about yourself.

Now, questioning yourself is not a bad thing in itself, because if we just accept what we think we know as the be all and end all then we blinker ourselves to reality and all the possible answers out there. I know it can be tiring to question the nature of reality, the veracity of any decision made, any thought thought, but sometimes it’s what’s needed. Whenever something happens that is noted as an event in my life, even the smallest stuff, I question it because I don’t know with any certainty if it’s real (targeted or coincidental) or something my head has made up.

Of course there are some things where you need to stand firm, for me that means that I may berate my behaviour, I love my logic, my way of analysis. I may have made some dumb choices in my times but I’m not stupid and that’s something I cherish. It does, however, bring me into conflict with mental health professionals.

As I’ve said before, I fully believe that I have Bipolar, I accept that it’s Type II rather than Type I, and I also accept that I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My doctors disagree stating that I only have NPD. I think they’re idiots for this. And so you can see where things can get a bit tetchy.

This situation has been this way for a while, yet recently I begin to question myself and my diagnosis. Am I right? Or am I a narcissist who won’t admit he’s wrong? Would this be better termed as bloody minded adherence to my belief structure rather than what I believe to be logical thought and analysis? Is my so called intelligence a lie that I don’t wish to let go of in order to give myself some form of purpose?

Yeah, this is where questioning myself has got a little out of hand, but I can’t help it, that’s where my thoughts are going. Thankfully there are times when my ego kicks back and I can reason my way through and show why things are the way they are and how I can prove I’m right and they are wrong. But it doesn’t stop the doubt seeping in as people question you time and time again to fit their model.

I know this sort of situation is going to be familiar to people, trying to stand firm in the face of all the crap. Such things are damned difficult to keep going through, hell, even I’m considering giving in and going back on meds even though it’s something I’m loathe to do.  But I’m tired of questioning my diagnosis time after time, I just want it to be settled and sorted and something everyone can agree on.

*sigh* Ok, I’ve worn myself out writing this so that’s all I can do for now. How on earth the people behind the Responsible Reform (aka Spartacus) report have managed to do as much as they have is beyond me, my hat of to them. Oh and I hope those who have been made extremely I’ll by the stress of being involved in the report get better damn soon.

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