Twitter Rants *some swearing*

23 01 2012

Well, Twitter is down so I need to vent and here’s the only other place I get to do that which means you get to see stuff I normally put on Twitter. This should be interesting.

Fucking cunty anal discharge rectal breach mother fucker!

Ahhh, that feels a little better, not much but it’ll help me keep a check on things. Could it get worse than that? Well, as I’ve been rocking back and forth and revisiting my old favourite of hitting myself in the head repeatedly, this is a relative pool of calmness. Even been pacing around which is nowhere near as exciting as the cool kids claim.

What’s my problem? Hmm, I think partly I’m at a higher point but as ever my parents, in this case my mother, shits on my thoughts which pisses me off due to the joyful ignorance in which she lives. It wouldn’t be too bad but it’s always over something innocuous and relatively unexciting. This time it involves me selling a load of stuff on ebay to raise funds to get kit.

I’ve got loads of bags but the pack I have that could be used for travelling is pretty heavy so I’d like a lighter pack so that I’m able carry either less weight or m9re gear. Considering I’m looking at doing quite a distance, this is important. My mother cannot see why I want to spend money to do this when I have bags. Trying to explain it to her is like banging my head against the wall, although I have previously banged my head against a wall which was less annoying than explaining the advantages of packing light.

Initial annoyance was immediate but after about two hours I was fuming and just doing the whole rocking back n forth n punching myself in the head. It’s been about four hours now n this is helping to distract me but I’m still annoyed as hell with a fair bit of twitching going on from various extremities.

Ah fuck it. Probably my fault in some way. Me being a useless cunt is a fairly solid guess, seems to be what’s got me to this point anyway. Ok, me calling myself a cunt is my opinion but the useless bit is down to how I’ve been made to feel for so long.

Fuck beans rimshot wank stain shit bags!

Sorry, needed that for the previously stated reason. Aaaand I’m back to hitting myself in the head. Fucking useless brain is a fucking waste of space. Be better of fucking lobotomized the amount of fucking good it does me.

Bollocks. Fucking fetid sweaty hairy walnut looking scrotum. It ain’t helping anymore so I’m off to watch TV n wait for Twitter to get its shit together.

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3 responses

23 01 2012
toaster thief (@talkingtocactus)

omg i know *exactly* where you’re coming from. i’ve been in the process of applying to do a phd in the us, and every single time it comes up my parents (specifically my mum) puts the dampener on. if other people are around she puts on the pretend supportive face, but when it’s just me i get “oh but if you don’t get in at least you tried” or “you might not get in!” or “oh but how will you cope with your illness if you get in” or whatever. you know what mum? i’ve thought of those things myself, and made plan b, c, d etc just in case. i’m not stupid. i’m well aware of my condition and the attendant issues. but for once in my life i’m actually positive about something – stop trying to fucking bring me down! it’s really unusual for me to be this positive (as opposed to miserable or manic) about something so it really pisses me off to have this constant rain on my potential parade. i had a go at her about it actually and she said she was glad i’d told her and she’d try to be more positive but within days was back to the same old thing.

a few days later i said that even if i didn’t get in to the usa, i’d like to move out of london for phd work because it’s doing my head in – i used to love london when crowds and clubs and bars were my thing but now i’m older and quieter they just make my blood pressure go up and i’d rather live somewhere a bit less chaotic. guess what she said when i told her this (and explained, really clearly, my thoughts)? “oh, but is that rational?!” – and then phoned me every day just to make sure i wasn’t going nutso again.

sorry to add a rant of my own and a bit of a tangent but i sooooo get where you’re coming from. the more i think about it (and my tdoc is in total agreement, and indeed is looking into getting a colleague of hers to get me off the lithium) the more i think my whole life has been pathologised by my mother so that every emotion i show is deemed as worrying or irrational or a sign of illness. and for a while i believed it but not any more. i know damn well i’m sane, i’m not going to let a few years of insanity scupper the rest of my whole life. but my mother seems to be ok with doing just that and it’s enough to drive anyone insane.

23 01 2012
theurbanworrier

“Trying to explain it to her is like banging my head against the wall, although I have previously banged my head against a wall which was less annoying than explaining the advantages of packing light.” grim LOL.

30 01 2012
Rachael Black

hahahahaha oh how I understand your rant!

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