Launchpad McQuack

28 01 2012

I feel good. No seriously, I do. I have energy, I have the ability to think quickly, I feel invigorated… or possibly reinvigorated, depends on how you look at things. Don’t worry, not about to start singing “Sunshine, lolipops, rainbows etc” but yeah, it’s good atm. So why am I withdrawn and thinking bad things?

Withdrawn is evident, not really contacting people in any sphere, haven’t done a blog post for a few days. If you’re thinking of saying “I missed you” then sorry but it’ll be assigned to the ‘Bullshit’ pile. Thank you, come again.

My bad thoughts are the usual “It’d be nice to be dead” ones, with a side order of “I hope there’s an afterlife and I go to hell” which is relatively new. Seems my brain has locked on to the 12 guage under the chin as its preferred method of achieving that, which makes sense seeing as it’s quick and irreversible, plus it’s not easy acquiring the tools so every section is happy. Should you be in posession of such equipment then let me know and I’ll be round to steal it (giving it to me will mean you break the law).

Oh happy days. Seems I’m wasting a perfectly good period of functionality doesn’t it. Well it does to me. Should make life fun considering I’m actually investigating a route onto ESA which my JSA advisor said ‘I did wonder if you were fit for work, but I didn’t want to say anything’. Well thanks for that, but still, I’m looking into it and other possible bits because I think my inability (I was going to say unwillingness but to be honest I want to work because I want the money to get the fuck outta here) to contemplate employment opportunities is making my ability to claim JSA more and more tenuous.

A lot of my problems come down to what I’m going to term as cascading thoughts because that’s what it feels like. Basically I think of something then other thoughts intrude, cascading over the ones before them until they overwhelm me and I get pissed off (quickly). I did say at the start that I can think quickly, problem is that I can’t think clearly and/or concisely. Motivation is hard to come by, I have ideas, plans etc, but the time given to them is usually restricted due to constraints of my ability to focus… and the joys of the reality of my situation. Wish I was more self reliant, self confident. Hell, I just wish I was more than what I am now which, in theory, wouldn’t take a huge leap, even though it feels like it.

Yeah, maybe I am wallowing in the mire of my own personal pity pit. Can’t get out of it on mmy own but, as always, I’m loathe to ask for, or accept, any help. Don’t think I can be helped more than the system is doing right now so fuck it. Maybe I’ll get CBT from my CMHT at some point but as CBT hasn’t been easy for me to do when I’ve experienced it in the past, my hopes are stupendously low. Think if I do get a referral and an assessment then I’ll ask questions about efficacy of CBT for those with Bipolar (I fully expect the line “But you don’t have Bipolar” to be used), Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and those with memory problems and/or rapid thought processes. Why the focus on CBT? Because that’s what was on offer last time (and why I thought it was pointless to be referred to such a thing). Yeah, I’m giving it a better chance this time, just feel that if I’m going to shoot it down then I may as well try it first.

So many hoops to jump through, so little desire to jump. Really am not cut out for life am I. As with those with Autism, it seems to get anything from me you have to know how to exploit me. Yeah, I know, a bit harsh but then no real access to empathy here so I’m able to see people as ‘resources’ just like those marketting bods who like that kinda shit.

Fuck it, giving up now. Have fun, enjoy, cuz if you don’t some other bastard will and they’ll enjoy rubbing your nose in it.

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3 responses

29 01 2012
Rachael Black

Alright pass the lithium (that doesn’t require blood work). Life is sucking on this side of the pond, and your signs of light help me.
So glad to read you’re seeing a light.
You’re right.. there is so much self pity and it is SO hard to get past it and ‘work’ life.
Great post my friend

30 01 2012
NullFuture

Light? Well, it’s a bit murky but as it’s not as dark as the rest I’ll accept it 🙂 Much love xx

30 01 2012
Rachael Black

back atcha hon!

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