Inspiration Destination – Masculinity

1 02 2012

You know, when you read blogs, there’s always the possibility that you will read something that makes you pause, or think, or laugh, or have really REALLY bad things going on.

Yup, you know where this is going don’t you, best get on with it then.

So the blog post that we’re gonna be looking at is this one by Lori whose husband committed suicide. Feel free to browse through it as it’s quite detailed and shows the after effect of suicide. However, this particular post brings up something I know very well, the complete belief that the world would be better off without me.

I’ve tried suicide several times and people keep trying to tell me that I’m wrong in my belief. My reaction? They can’t see the way I see the world. I know that it isn’t easy being a woman, a lot of expectations over image etc but then there’s quite a bit of that with men. Yes, men can be just as insecure as women, I don’t know what it’s called for women (oh how I want to make the obvious joke about it being called feminism but I won’t) but for men it’s called macho bullshit.

You see, men are expected to act in certain ways, to behave in certain ways, and of course never to be homosexual or whatever is not deemed normal. No I’m not gay but I have no issue with anyone who is, they don’t threaten me in any way… unless they’re holding a weapon but then at times like that I’m unlikely to wonder about their sexual preferences.

Just as women have all those magazines that tell them what they should be like, men have publications like GQ, FHM, Nuts, Bollocks, and Scrotum (I may have made one or two of them up). They tell us what’s hip, what’s happening, what’s under that girls top (cue the pwoar and look at them tits type comments). They preach to us about how we should look and act, and you know what? It’s complete bollocks. It’s just macho bullshit because “That’s what men do”. To return to the post linked to above, there is mention of men who act like they’ve ‘lost their bollocks’ and truth be told, it’s accurate because when something this severe happens, macho bullshit goes out the window and men are just men.

Getting back further onto track, I truly and utterly believe that my existence has a negative effect on the world, that if I could remove myself from the space time continuum then everything would be better than it is. I’d never be dumb enough to claim that my death wouldn’t affect people but I do fully believe that, on balance, me dead equals better life for everyone else. Getting people to understand this mindset isn’t easy, kinda is something you have to go through in order to understand it.

Of course, me being me, I like a challenge so let’s give explaining a shot.

Look at your life, is it good? Is it acceptable? Have you failed? Everyone fails at something in their life so that should be something familiar to all. Now take that feeling and apply it to everything you’ve ever done, failure or success. Now it gets to the next level because with all this failure, you can’t help but feel that it’s having a negative impact on those around you and try as you might, you just keep failing. Success isn’t good enough because you’ll only fail again.

That’s what’s in my head. That’s what it’s like to truly believe what I believe. It may or may not be what’s in everyone else’s head too.

Funny, but not in a comical way, thing is that what I deem as a failure you may deem a success. Perception is a problem but I can only see things the way I do and I’ve failed too much to make anything worthwhile. I just can’t resolve it in myself and it causes me a great deal of… I think the only way to state it is pain.

And that’s why I will probably continue to push limits until I push far enough to make my dreams come true and I’m dead. That’s pretty much the only thought that makes me happy, everything else doesn’t matter because I’ll only fuck it up anyway like I always have.

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4 02 2012
This Week In Mentalists – The Colder Than A Witches… « This Week in Mentalists

[…] has a few things to say about how men are expected to behave when it comes to suicide. – “Just as women have all […]

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