Conflicting Confidence

3 02 2012

Being a narcissist can be fun, having bipolar can be fun. Of course I speak with authority on the former and none on the latter (anyone would think I was bitter about the whole ‘Bipolar Saga’ but I’m fine. Honest. Bastards). And yeah, I want some of that back. Why? Well…

I enjoyed aspects of it. There were aspects of being a tosser that were quite good because I didn’t suffer from the self doubt, the niggling, the messing with my head. I was awesome. I’m not suggesting that I was a better person but I was more comfortable with who I was and could actually function… to a degree.

Yeah, ok, I had my moments where things were pretty shit. I’ve questioned various things about me, had the odd emotional breakdown. Yet still I wasn’t the utter bag of crap I am now. Ok, I’m not as much of an asshole as I was back then, don’t think I’ve fucked up someones life recently (I could be wrong), but I still miss aspects.

Most of all I miss my confidence.

Hmm, ok, this is a bit of a weird one because on one side I had confidence, on the other side I had fuck all confidence. Such a strange situation now that I look back on it but it’s true. I’d have situations where I was cool n shit, and others where I was basically a bit fucked as these things go. Commonly with women things went to shit n my lack of confidence would shine out like a warning beacon for women. And when I was confident I got laid. A LOT. And in some interesting ways.

Yeah I miss the weird n wonderful stuff I got up to but then as I’m older it’d be cool to settle down and/or have kids. Well… sometimes I think that, other times I think about disappearing, or suicide, or I just don’t think full stop.

But I digress.

Perhaps I need to make the most of this good mood that I’ve got going on to get my shit together. How etc are big questions and there’s a real chance that I’ll do my usual of fuck all and stall out as it were.

Ah well, it’s just one of them things, life back to normal I guess.

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