What To Say

5 02 2012

Today is Sunday which means tomorrow, like it or not, is Monday, allegedly the start of a new week.

I’m rambling aren’t. Ok, to the point.

Monday will be my first opportunity to see if I can communicate with my CMHT. Set heads to ‘Brick Wall’.

So what am I gonna say? I guess one reason I’m wanting to call them is to check on the status of whatever they were going to do a couple of months ago. “And what was that?” you may reasonably ask, the answer would be a referral to psychology.

*sigh* Maybe I should see the doc face to face (after waiting ages after the allotted time) and look more seriously into help that may be available. Maybe I should just give up because it’s fucking pointless most of the time. All of which goes to display the dumbassery of my thought processes right now. Urgh, just completely stupid the way I think sometimes although this line of thought is probably influenced by my personality disfunction.

Ok, ok, let’s get this on to a decent setting as, to be fair, I’m not making the greatest amount of sense.

I don’t know what I want because every time I think of something, it’s only a matter of time before I throw the idea out because I see it as futile. It can take a few seconds or it can take a few days but I will dismiss it because I know I’m going to fail at it for one reason or another. Self defeating but I justify it as me reaching too far and I know what happens in situations like that. Or words to that effect. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my ideas, I like technical challenges, but I always end up looking at the realities of my situation and just… I dunno.

But you get the idea right?

My job situation needs to improve in order to get things I want, or have a chance of having what I perceive to be what I want (things are rarely straightforward in my head, you might have noticed). Naturally this requires me to not be self defeating which, as you can tell, is not going to go well. This may become a running theme as I have a few things to do this week (I know, it makes a change huh) and I’m as well prepared as the average British person is for rain during summer. For those who don’t know, the average Brit ends up getting soaked in their shorts, t-shirts, and sandels (possibly with socks involved too) at least a couple of times each summer.

Anyway, I know I’ve rambled a touch but hey, you love me anyway right. Right? Umm, hello? Anyone there?

Getting back to the beginning and the call to the psychiatrists office, maybe I should stick to what I’m good at n make it up as I go along. After all, it’s only a phone call.

And cue catastrophising.

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