Spread Your Winging

6 02 2012

This is a follow on from my last post where I was wondering what I was going to say to a) my bank and b) my CMHT. We’re going to go through a little storytelling about my adventures and of course there is a moral to this tale.

Sitting comfortably? Been to the toilet? Just thought I’d ask, we’ll begin anyway.

So, I began my days dealings (late morning as I had a late night, no particular reason, just how I roll) with the bank because, well, seemed like the obvious one to begin with and the easiest too. Yeah, yeah, I’m a wuss, so sue me. I had done a little prep work for this the day before, thinking about what I’d accept and what I wanted to achieve. All sounds quite complex doesn’t it, and on the day… it wasn’t. Things went pretty smoothly to be honest, got quite a few things sorted, everything went the way I thought they would. Surprise of the whole thing was that my bank have been charging me for PPI (Payment Protection Insurance) that I wasn’t aware of for a while now, so I’m now beginning my look at how to make a complaint. This may get me some money back but that’s a while in the future and there’s a few things to check out first.

Next on the list is talking to the Community Mental Health Team. This is something that I’m less well prepared for and I’m not entirely sure what I’d like to achieve by it. The stupid thing is that I am having pangs of anxiety about doing so, that bit in the chest which I can only describe as a cold rush, fluctuating with my breathing. This is accompanied by my thoughts skittering around the subject like Bambi on ice. I know I want to contact them, and I know that it’s about the status of my referral to psychology, but I can’t shake the familiar feeling that there’s other stuff which is relevant that I don’t want to miss out talking about. Don’t want to be the person who contacts the CMHT on a regular basis over minor stuff which I will otherwise the things will just eat away at me. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who contact their CMHT for minor things on a regular basis but it’s normally because the CMHT have caused these minor things to arise.

Times like this I wonder what on earth it is that’s going on in my head as the flow of thoughts tends to be disrupted by a rip tide of… umm, hunches seems like the best term. Can’t explain it terribly well, although I shall try. It’s like that nagging thought or feeling or whatever you can call it in the back of your mind which means you can’t be certain about what it is you’re thinking about. Niggling doubt? That might be it.

Anyway, the call has been made and I did my usual thing of tripping over myself, losing my train of thought, but I waded through the mental mire. True to form, despite what doctors on the ward tell you, it means sweet football association because it’s the CMHT who will be dealing with it. As such I now have an appointment to see the doc in about a months time to sort some stuff out. Least this gives me time to get my head round what it is that I’m looking to get out of it.

And so our tale is done. I did promise a moral to this story didn’t I. Ok, here we go.

Anxiety is an absolute bastard of a thing to have and deal with, feel free to say ‘No shit Sherlock’. My point is that you need time to think. Yeah, some people may not be happy with that but I think I may have made clear that time to think without pressure is essential to get by. Kind of a luxury to many but if you have anxiety it becomes a necessity. Truth be told though, I end up winging it and hoping for the best, not exactly the best way to do it but I force myself to do it through bravado. Yeah it can lead to mistakes, guess that’s why I say about taking time as those little mistakes bug the crap out of me.

Ooh get me being all authoritative so I’ll just finish by saying that I’m no expert, just living the life, as shit as it may be. Oh n if I can get my stuff together then I’ll probably be getting my book up n running n published as sort of shareware (give money if you think it’s worth it).

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