Psychological Braille

10 02 2012

Yanno, one of the worst things about having whatever it is I have is having the rapid fire thoughts which allow me to think crappy things about myself even before I’ve finished thinking good things.

It’s sort of like someone denouncing you before you’ve finished talking about whatever you thought was worth mentioning in the first place. As you can tell, this is REALLY annoying and yet this stuff just happens too rapidly to stop. You reach the end of that particular dialogue and are then able to go “For fucks sake, at least let me finish the good bit before slating it with the bad bit” which feels a bit pointless. Let’s face it, the moment to intervene (in a metaphorical “Leave ‘im, ‘ees not weerf it Darren” way) is usually at the time it’s happening rather than after.

Yes I could CBT my own ass because I understand what’s going on etc but then the whole tenet of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is to be able to intervene in a thought process and so slightly derail its progress. Please, if I’ve got that wrong, tell me because it’s the impression I get after having done a little CBT. I’ve found it’s not really working for me because the thoughts happen too quickly for me to get in there and I’ll be damned if I can remember examples of situations that create emotions/thoughts.

*sigh* I find myself in a situation whereby I want therapy because I’m tired of all the latent negativity floating around as if there’s a nasty… ok, nastier version of me looking over my shoulder. However, I have yet to be convinced that the therapy I’ll be offered (yes, CBT) will be of any real use and is not just another empty gesture.

Ok, ok, writing this makes me feel shitty but it’s a valid concern. Or is it? Nah, I’m not going down that road because it irritates me, so it’s a valid concern. As such it’s going to prove interesting in a way I can’t quantify at the moment. So why say that? Because feelings, intuition, hunches, whatever you want to call them, they’re all I’ve got to go on. My thinking is erratic at times, including this time, so all I have to go on is what my subconscious (assuming it is my subconscious n not my concious self) tells me. You’d be surprised how many times it’s been right, although you probably won’t be surprised as to how many times I’ve ignored it.

Perhaps my subconcscious isn’t always right as at this very moment it’s telling me to pack my gear and get the hell out of here. Why? Because I’m in that kinda place where it’s not conducive to my good health to be around my parents. Yes I could just isolate myself from them but part of this… whatever is that I can’t help it, sort of like someone who can’t help putting their hand on the cooker because the thought “You’re gonna get burned” has nipped out the side exit for a quick smoke. As such, much as I’m not a fan of the idea of choosing to become homeless, I don’t really see there being a huge amount of options open to me. So I head into it with a little trepidation, and with a lot of planning to do, so I shall get on and do it.

Wish me luck if you want to.




One response

11 02 2012
Admin Bob Fish.

Hey, Making your self homeless is not one of the best options in the world. I have a little understanding of what it means to me to be homeless due to past experiences. Not a fun thing although it can be worse i guess.

I can relate to what your saying as in fact i have said something similar recently in my own blog. I have recently bought a book called ‘Coping with Bipolar Disorder.’ Which is a CBT-informed guild to living with Bp. I do not know much about the CBT approach to things as i have not managed to get my teeth into the book due to my current circumstances nor have i got a therapist although i do think planning for that is in the pipeline.

Anyway with out boring you to death i hope you continue to post so i can continue to find things i can relate to and know that it is not only me who has Bp problems.

Good luck and happy times… Take care.


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