Call Me Mr Angry

19 02 2012

For I am indeed getting angry. I know what you’re thinking – “So? Everyone get’s angry”. True, but then my definition of angry is a bit different to most peoples version, and occurence of me being this angry is rare in itself.

Guess I should explain the differences first huh.

I get annoyed or irked far more often than I get angry and it’s that time when someone pisses you off or irritates you. For me, that’s relatively common and.. well…. annoying.

Angry is when there’s a lot more energy behind what I’m feeling, when I become a lot more interested in vengeance and fantasy world comes alive. Angry means I’m about to get nasty.

The next step is fury. Fury, to put it simply, is when shit gets broken. That’s very rare but violence has ensued at these points and objects have been thrown, punches have been thrown.

And so I’m angry now. I know why I’m getting angry, it’s because my thoughts have been cycling around a few little things, commonly where I feel I’ve been fucked about or just plain wronged. Yeah, I know it’s possibly not the best thing I can do with my time but then we face two bones of contention. The first is that I don’t know how to stop it, especially as it tends to resemble a juggernaut of righteous fire and brimstone (metaphorically of course). And the second is that I’m not entirely sure I want to.

Of course  have been looking into NPD again which tends to be a bad idea because once you look at all the information out there you start to think that a lot of people are talking utter rubbish and not even the professionals have a fucking clue what it is. One thing that gets me (there’s several but we’ll start here) is where they say they don’t know exactly what causes NPD. Really? I’m pretty fucking sure we know as it’s a personality disorder and can infer a huge amount from that, mostly that it’s down to a compromised personality thanks to stressors within the developmental stage. These stressors tend to be fairly easily indentified in retrospect and kinda centres around parenting issues over a prolonged time frame. What we can’t do is say why it’ll affect some worse than others.

My next bit, which is understandably close to my heart, is the subject of treatment. Everyone agress that psychotherapy is the best course of action. And that’s it. There are a few versions of psychotherapy and some are more useful than others depending on your condition and what’s available. Yup, availability is a factor as if it aint on the cards it aint useful. Anyway, the only definitive answer comes from good old Wikipedia which states schema therapy being the best choice, which I can see as being the case because the fun of this condition is that it can, at least in theory, require a few approaches to tackle stuff. The option open to me is CBT which I have had exposure to before and, to be fair, it didn’t work. Why? Because they ask you to think of a situation and that requires memory, not my strongest point. It also, in practise, requires an intervention at some point, which may be fairly ineffective but every little helps. I quite often think way too fast for this to be possible and I either forget or just don’t want to intervene in my thought processes.

I have had access to another form of therapy whereby I was challenged to provide eidence of things I was saying. This is a great bit of therapy as it challenges you and shakes your foundation so you have to identify things properly. Course, as I detailled ages ago, this would have been great if it wasn’t for the fact that I could indeed find evidence to support my thinking, good solid evidence.

Also, reading anything other than my blog or Wiki about NPD will draw you into the conclusion that I have an overinflated sense of self importance. And that’s all NPD is. Course you do read my blog so maybe you have seen me call this a complete load of bullshit. I especially have stated that if you were to listen to a certain knobcheese called Sam Vaknin (don’t search for him, he’s a wanker that doesn’t deserve the attention) you’ll be treated to all sorts of bullshit. This utter tripe is fielded as the be all and end all of NPD on a site which claims to be a place where healthy things happen. I have no issue in saying that this reaks of sensationalism and should be regarded as quite an extensive library of low grade manure. Yes I’ve read the stuff (there’s huge amounts of it written by someone who claims to have a doctorate even though they don’t) and there are a few valid points made, but it’s hard to wade through it when the sum total is to tell you how shit people with NPD are and how you should be running for the hills as if they were invading hordes of immigrants intent on raping your cattle and stampeding your womenfolk.

Yeah, I’m ranting but then I’m angry so fuck it, I’m allowed. I, like others, get fucked about because MH services a) don’t know what they’re doing, b) don’t like people with personality disorders, c) don’t have the resources to do the work, or d) all of the above.

Yeah I get how some people with personality disorders can be nasty bastards, but then that can also be true of people without them so fuck that.

Shit, I dunno, this venting has helped but the anger is still there because I can see how I’m going to get messed about again with my desire to get treatment. Fuck, even a diagnosis is going to be a fun thing when shit starts gettingmore in depth as there’s still quite a few unanswered questions floating about.

For now, I’m gonna see if I’ve worn myself out enough to go sleep. Nighty night.



One response

19 02 2012
Phil Groom

Understandable, if that doesn’t come over as patronising: not intended to. Here’s hoping you did get some sleep, mate, and maybe, just maybe, slept it off…

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