The Evils Of Alcohol And The Internet

3 03 2012

I could quite easily have called this post “Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Drink And Blog” or “I’m Drinking So This May Go Badly” but I didn’t so hey ho, let’s go (this brought to you by The Ramones – Punk but good).

Anyway, a few points to raise, because I can and you’re smart/dumb (delete as applicable) to read/ignore (yeah, same deal with the delete) it. Please note that the following is just me spouting crap that seems a good idea at the time, it does not mean that they are good thoughts, just thoughts that I thought would be good to share.

So, it’s fun watching the Republican race to be whatever it is they’ll be. My money is on Rick Santorum winning and I would even rate his chances of becoming POTUS. Why? Well, the best way to justify the invasion/war on a country is to have your leader assassinated by “a rogue person sponsored by [insert country you want to take over]”. The various agencies which operate with only a brief nod to the alphabet must be pushing him forward. I mean talk about win/win, the American people get to not have Santorum make any real decisions (and not exist), and those who stand to profit from such things get to have a war (again). It’s the future!

A word now from our sponsor. Women. Y u so dumb? Ok, I’m fully aware my alcohol fuelled state may make me sound like an asshole (maybe because I am one) but when all is said and done, women are the stronger sex. Yeah I know this doesn’t make sense but let me expandulate my logicanium (I may have made one or two of them words up). I worked in one of our fine correctional institutes and we were all aware of the one reason that we were in control despite our smaller numbers; we relied on the majority not to rebel. When will women realise they have a shitload more power than they believe. Seriously, men (of a heterosexual/bisexual nature) want one thing – sex. It’s a biological imperative that’s ingrained in our psyche. As such, women have control of this aspect and if women were to refuse then we’d only have masturbation and porn to fall back on. But then if women don’t do sex then there’s no porn which means the internet would get shit. The logic being that no female attention will mean that everything on the net will revolve around things that aren’t designed to interest women, which is a pretty small and uninteresting. So women, seriously, get together, have a chat, and try not to screw men, maybe that way men won’t screw you (at least not in a good way). Don’t believe me? Well, I learned that if I wanted more in the way of oral sex then women tend to prefer a penis that doesn’t smell of piss or whatever other detritus may be there. Who’d have thought that’d be the case! I dunno, next thing you know women will want equality as well.

Next point. Why is Nicholas Cage still on the big screen? Don’t get me wrong, I like him, he has a certain style which can work well, but he seems to get into projects which don’t suit him and only get by either by luck or something like that. I mean Mathew McConawotsit sucks regardless of what he’s in, Tom Hanks rarely has a bad day at the office, but Mr Cage seems to be drawn into things which make you think he’s going through money seriously fast. Maybe he should do an anti drugs commercial (assuming he does drugs) whereby he says “Don’t do drugs kids or you’ll be forced to do stuff which makes you question your morals. Just look at me and Snake Eyes”.

Yanno, the really sad thing about this is that I was intoxicated by 11am. Ok, I’d been awake for ages but that’s not the point. Or maybe it is. Societal convention doesn’t really help with alcohol consumption so I guess it’s a moot point. At least Saturday doesn’t seem to be as shit as it did before I got some booze in my system. Maybe the chocolate I was eating too helped. Maybe I should get some sleep instead as I’m existing on a total of one days sleep that’s been spread over three days. Time for me to stop now, you lucky people.




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