To Go Quick Or To Go Slow

17 03 2012

I’m in a thoughtful mood which, regular readers might know, is rarely a good sign. Thing is that these are valid questions, at least from my perspective and applying to me so don’t go applying them to yourself.

My main question is, to expand on the title of this post, to go quickly (as in discharge myself) or to go slowly (as in wait till all other options are exhausted)? My current feeling is that I should discharge myself from the CMHT sooner rather than later because it’s unlikely that the help will be forthcoming in a reasonable time frame. Yes, this is an assumption but it is based on some logic. Logic being that there is no difference in provision of appropriate care than there was two years ago. As such, I’m considering waiting till I receive a communicae from the powers that be informing me of the waiting list and the existential nature of the possibility of receiving any care, be it good or bad. Least this will afford me the opportunity to state my amazement at their approach, which is something that I should have done last time.

With the contacts I have, my other reason for discharge is that I view myself as a waste of resources of an underfunded system. Yes, were you to offer me a loaded shotgun, I’d down some alcohol (because I’m a wimp and so require the dutch courage) and then make my mark as an artist with my installation “Spreading My Thoughts”. However, there are people far worse off than myself, far far worse. Without me to sap funds, it allows those in more dire need to have (even marginally) a better chance. Considering the state of mental health care is not likely to improve from mediocre any time soon, they need all the chances they can get.

See? Logic for you.

Is there a future for me? Yes, unfortunately it looks like there is, but then there’s an outside chance it could involve someone to love, kids too, maybe even what people call “a life”. That would be acceptable, very acceptable. I could even try not to screw over that person to love and kids which would be tough but theoretically worth it. However, I default back to not wishing to being alive despite the likelihood of that happening. Depressing huh.

So what now? A little time to think, to let thoughts develop and see what sticks and what doesn’t. It’s… urgh, I don’t know what to say, there’s implications abound and I guess I have to go through them before I make any of my hallmark rash decisions.

Sorry to bring you guys down, I do hope you have a good day n that. Much love.




One response

17 03 2012
Rachael Black

Null, knock it off. What makes your life of less worth than some other idiot? Said idiot probably trying to take advantage of the system instead of needing help, as you do.
Don’t diss yourself. You’re too bright, articulate, amusing and just plain cool to give up.
My world alone would be so much worse off if you were gone. Also having problems with the mental health bureaucracy right now. Seems I’ve fucked myself by being too poor to afford the next-to-lower-than-poverty-level poverty level insurance.
So lost my psychiatrist, GP, and neurosurgeon. Only quacks and quack interns at the local teaching hospital will even accept my pathetic ‘insurance.’
Of course I have not been able to obtain an appointment with ANY of the listed physicians who are supposed to be willing to treat me.

Like you, I depend on it. Pathetic though it is, Have wanted nothing more these last 3 months than to check myself into a basket weaving institution.
Except: they offer no real help, force me to co-mingle with drooling idiots, pervs, and/or criminals who are not sentenced to jail.
Or better yet swallow one or two of the many bottles of pills I’ve stocked up on. Or buy a gun. Go America!

PLEASE stick it out and don’t give up. Fuck the government and other alleged ‘needy’ patients, Stand up for your rights. I’m trying to here 🙂
It’s a bitch, and need the dutch courage too. Just not ready to completely give up yet.

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