Understanding Overthinking Wombling Free

19 03 2012

Well my last post was outstandingly… ok, it started off well but kinda lost its way a fair bit towards the end. I feel I should clarify… pretty much all of it to be honest. This should be fun (spot the sarcasm).

Let’s start off with a sigh, because that’s exactly what I did and I like to write the way I think (see, you knew it was pretty fucked up at times). And so I guess I should start, not by explaining things, but by asking a question. Are my expectations unrealistic? I guess this means not a lot without reference but that’s exactly what’s not going to happen which means I should probably alter the question so it’s not so leading.

Ok, let’s try… why do I get so wrapped up in analysing things when situations arise? Yeah, that’s as clear as mud covered with an oil slick from a tanker disaster. What I’m getting at is that I had a situation where something happened which can probably be described as “not my fault”, yet I have gone along that well worn path of looking at ways in which to blame myself. It always comes down to that same thing of “I was not good enough” and “I did things wrong”, along with a myriad of things which are part of my internal dialogue of berating myself for not achieving whatever it was I believe I was meant to achieve. Looking at it like that makes it look an absolutely fucking stupid way to think, and I couldn’t agree more, especially as it’s another beration (if that’s a word, if not then it should be) to use against me. However, being serious for a second, I can’t help myself, it’s an automatic way of thinking.

Throw in another sigh, mostly because I know what I’m going to write next and the irony of the situation is not lost on me. Let’s analyse this.

I think that a lot of my issues come down to not understanding why people do the things they do. Social interaction really is not my strong suit (NO SHIT SHERLOCK!) and so I struggle with decisions based on this. Off on a tangent now and I’m actually pretty good at human behaviour, as in I can usually tell what people are going to do when they don’t have to think in depth or get emotions involved. When emotions are thrown in and people think in their own curious little ways, as they are wont to, I struggle. Yeah, I know my curious little ways of thinking tend to be more curiouser (Alice In Wonderland quote, not bad writing) than the curiousness of others but that’s sort of the reason why. I think. As such, I always find making friends difficult as, if you haven’t guessed, I kinda wear my weird badge prominently on my sleeve. Hell, even had a former work colleague say to me “When you first started here, I thought you were weird”. Yes, my answer really was to laugh a little and say “That’s because I am weird”. Guess you can get used to my weirdness, not exactly a triumphant victory but it’s better than repeated kicks to very sensitive areas of the anatomy.

So anyway, I guess all I can do when faced with situations like this is to accept that I don’t know what people were thinking and that, as ever, shit happens.

Be nice if it ended there wouldn’t it, lesson learned, situation dealt with, life going on, but then this is me and so that ain’t gonna happen. One good thing (there are others but I’m not going into them) is that I’m seeing where my personality disorder is coming into play as whilst my obsessing can be linked to many things, my exaggerated mood shift, along with my behaviour associated to it, can’t. Were there enough commas there? Anyway, it’s the speed at which these things happened as well as the exaggerated nature which I think points to the NPD side of me. One thing that does make me curious is that I wasn’t aware of any dialogue whereby anything related to the situation was brought up, I just got to where I was and I don’t understand why. Ok, I know why I got there but I don’t understand the process to get there because the process never seems to involve me.

To be honest, I don’t think I’m going to understand that process any time soon. What I do understand is my overanalysing in so much as I know what I do. Where it comes from and what influences it is more difficult as I’m still wrapped up in my thoughts about Bipolar along with NPD and so hit many a snag due to the lack of understanding of NPD (seriously, there’s very little information of any use on NPD) and the overlaying of data which would tie in quite well with a Bipolar diagnosis (sensitivity to anti depressants and positive reaction to a good sized dose of Quetiapine being obvious examples). Tell you what, this psychology referral can’t happen soon enough, maybe we’ll get to the bottom of things (no, just because I laughed derisively doesn’t mean you should), at least in theory.

Anyway, I think what I can conclussively take away from this is:

Yes, I’m going to overanalyse things.
No, I’m not sure why it happens, especially at the speed it does.
I can whine and bitch about things until I calm down because I will calm down. Just try not to fuck up and do something silly in the intervening period.

Ahhh well, that should do it for now. No we didn’t find the true source of the fountain of mind fuckery, but at least there’s a couple of points I could use (especially if it came written on a handy laminated card) in order to help limit the fuckery caused by it. Maybe not a win but quite possibly a draw.

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